Next on Elon Musk’s to-do list
A disrupter’s work is never done
Jeffrey Denny
Someone leaked the over-slammed calendar of Five-Star Omniverse General, DOGE Czar and closet U.S. President Elon Musk on X.
Musk sources say it might be him.
Monday: Ugh. So much to do. LinkedIn HR experts say if I hate Monday, it’s the CEO’s fault for creating a toxic work culture. But I’m the CEO of everything, so I’m toxically stressing me with too much on my plate.
Like rebranding the entire Western Hemisphere and all the manifest destiny lands and seas as far as the eye can see as Trumpmerica.
Also looking on LinkedIn North Korea for top regime-complicit graphics talent to design a Trumpmerica flag and loser theater types for new inspired/required salutes. Sensitively asking if the salutes could look not so dictatory. Creative people can be a little bitchy.
Time permitting, look next at the world, the moon, the stars and the solar system to conquer. In that light, ban Goodnight Moon and all liberal messages that indoctrinate children to value education and reading and question authority such as astronomers. Forget Earth shithole USAID-helping countries that are like my 12 kids and their mothers — too needy.
Tuesday: Replace Supreme Court with 12 Angry MAGAs. Without the woke communist socialist democrat social justice Henry Fonda righteous nerd interfering with knee-jerk convictions, incarcerations and death sentences for so-called “innocent” minorities.
Time permitting, fire government workers so idiots can say government doesn’t work. And replace Congress with even more MAGA politicians that bow and scrape to mean, nasty, ugly, hateful useful idiots we’ll leverage for power as we laugh at and destroy them. Then blame the libs.
MAGAs always swallow whatever we feed them, like shit food that makes them need yet hate government healthcare. As a foreigner, let me say: Americans who love Trump aren’t the best and brightest in the omniverse.
Wednesday: Build fleet of Mars shuttles to ship off illegal aliens to live on the Red Planet with real aliens who are probably communists. Illegal aliens think the barely disguised MIB alien Trump Border Czar Tom Homan is bad? They should watch “Mars Attacks!” to see the aliens they’re bringing here! Like liberal Hollywood stars Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close and Danny DeVito!
Thursday: Spoon-feed president his morning oatmeal, wipe his chin, read him soothing Mein Kampf passages we love, and change his diaper and sedation drip bag. At lunch, chew his hamburders and feed him from my mouth like a momma bird. Then Taco Bell “Mexican” dinner together to trigger the woke, joining Fox & Friends who use my talking points verbatim or else lose their sad $5 million vacation homes. They’re only on TV but the president doesn’t know the difference.
Friday: Publish EGOT smash hit TV, movie and Broadway musical version of Atlas Shrugged that everyone is going wild about on X or they’ll be canceled like a progressive Ivy college professor who doesn’t know the latest progressive identity lingo or how to make their rich college students feel celebrated and “seen”.
Saturday: Write 100,000-word manifesto The New York Times must publish on the front page, lest face financially devastating lawsuits for silencing free speech, about how DEI is racism against whites like the South African anti-apartheid movement. And anti-DEI is not dumbass racist white code for Black. It’s racist of you to suggest.
Sunday: Rest. For 20 minutes, max, not like lazy entitled “God” did all day. Avoid self-reflection that, despite your brilliant rule of everything that catches your wide spectrum of attention, you’ll be less eternal than a Desani plastic water bottle bought from an American flyover gas station vending machine and washing up on the beach. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of your life. But don’t weep like sissies such as Hans Gruber, John Keats and Alexander the Great for there were no more worlds to conquer. There are! That’s next week.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
