Nikki don’t lose that number
It’s the only one we have
Jeffrey Denny
While the GOP has reanointed Trump, not all Republicans are dumbass, democracy-hating, dictator-loving MAGA cultists who rock to his rally anthems.
Many Republicans are patriotic, Trump-fearing RINOs who pinned hopes on Nikki Haley to save America from Trump.
These treasonous Trump traitors surely have more enlightened musical tastes than his MAGA Kid Rock rally playlists. Some may sway the sweet sounds of Steely Dan with a dollop of Weird Al parody:
We hear you suspended, that’s okay
We thought your little wild time had just begun
We guess you kind of lost to Trump, don’t turn and run
And if you have a change of heart,
Nikki don’t lose their number
GOP can’t call nobody else
Send it off in a TikTok to yourself
Nikki don’t lose their number
It’s the only one they have
You might use it if things get better
Like Trump goes home.
I’m far from a Nikki Haley fan.
She might yet further soil her soul by accepting Trump’s offer she can’t refuse to be his vice. Since the J6 unhanged Mike Pence is no longer available to do more Beelzebubbery for Trump.
But if my fellow privileged libs are too clueless, ageist, or ridiculously progressive utopian self-defeating righteous to poll, give, pull and vote for Joe Biden, then Haley may be our last best dying chance to save even a shred of everything we care about.
Yeah, it’s come to that.
Liberal quibblers about Biden serve as Trumpsymp fellow travelers and threaten to destroy the very democratic values and social justice they care so passionately about. They’re paving the way for Trump’s triumphant re-crowning and, like a heavy metal band adored by his socially damaged fans, his Revenge, Retribution and Destruction Tour.
Deep down in places we don’t talk about at parties (to quote Col. Nathan Jessup), moderate, practical Democrats would support Haley as the least worst option to Trump should our loud, proud, righteous progressives fail to turn out for Biden because they’re ageist.
As secular humanists, we also feel shame for sending evil thoughts and prayers to stop Trump from rising like a phoenix from the ashes of his true crime streaming series thanks to his stacked Supreme Court. For instance:
Trump finds Jesus
For reals, not just grubbing votes from fake millionaire evangelical preachers and their poor dumb mutton led to authoritarian slaughter.
Doing WWJD, Trump starting actually caring about the tired poor huddled masses like his MAGAs instead of using them for power and money.
Trump finds Pickleball
He launched Trump Pickleball® and built the best courts anyone has ever seen thanks to brilliant investors who needed Trump Losses® to write off. Trump became obsessed about Pickleball and had more fun Pickling than destroying America.
Trump finds heart health
He realized that dictating, revenging, hating and inciting at his age and body mass index is a recipe for dying before the barely older yet far fitter and more active Biden. Some of my fellow libs who moralize about everything immorally wish Trump will be murdered by his hamburders.
Trump hangs up his golden sneakers
Like many nearing 80 and ailing from a life of mortal sins, Trump announces he’s out of the running as the “tiredest” president America has ever seen.
Trump realized he can’t dictate with the energy of Kim Jong Un at 40, the robust Vladimir Putin at 71 thanks to his Orange Theory workouts, or even his successor who can work long hours to develop and deliver a robust State of the Union address that owned Trump with Churchillian vigor. And made desperate Democrats ask, “Nikki who?”
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
