Oats: The classic narcissists
“Nothing is better for thee, than me.”
Jeffrey Denny
My doctor is trying to kill me.
I suspect that after seeing me for a quarter century, which makes him my longest and most successful relationship involving nudity and handling of my netherlands, he’s done with me.
What an ironic turn of events: My doctor is sick of helping me not be sick. He wants to make my life not worth living by eliminating delicious foodstuffs. Starting with the dairy cream in my coffee. “Why don’t we try switching to oat cream?” he said.
After a pause it dawned on me: By “we” he meant “me.” To which I silently responded, “Frankly, my dear, who are you to tell me how to eat? You’re not so hale and hearty yourself.”
I resisted mentioning that doctors who obviously enjoy too much Wagyu prime rib and cheesy potatoes followed by killer chocolate desserts washed down with bottomless single-malt scotches at American Medical Association convention dinners shouldn’t be playing Fauci-Nazi in the examination room. Especially when they’re fully clothed to contain their pudge while patients cannot because we’re mostly naked to make violation easier.
Which brings us back to my point: Are oats really good for us?
Could oats not only solve our health problems — but even heal our nation?
Could Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Greene sit down together at Café Congress over a steaming bowl of Quaker oatmeal and agree that it gives you the energy to trigger people every day?
Or are oats tearing us apart?
Like when we finally manage to rip open a Quaker Original Instant Oatmeal packet to microwave for the kids? When they’re screaming because their teachers are grooming them to be LGBTQIA2+ and hate themselves for being white?
Witness how oats have made milk a divisive political issue.
The cow dairy industry is fighting the oat “dairy” industry tooth and nail for the exclusive right to call their products “milk” or “cream.”
Setting aside how very few cows fight with teeth or possess nails, I can tell you that switching from cow to oat cream was smoother than Kenny G after a full-body wax at a luxury spa playing Kenny G.
Yet I’m left with troubling questions when I have too much coffee with oat cream:
How do oat farmers milk oats?
Do they have teeny hands? This is not a killer dad joke — I really want to know but my $300/month Verizon Triple Play is down. Again.
In any case, I “udderly” respect whatever pronouns the oats prefer.
Also, if you drive by an oat field, should you fight the impulse to stop and moo at the oats?
Are oats good for the planet?
Not. At. All.
And not just because big greedy corporate oat farms are ravaging our air, soil, habitats and water.
I saw on the internet from real scientists sponsored by the cow dairy industry that if you pour oat milk on Cheerios, or especially on Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran, you might create a nuclear critical mass and explode Earth.
And only Elon Musk is unaware that Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it’s cold as hell.
Are oats progressive?
Or is the powerful, wealthy Big Oat industry just oat-washing with their “we’re not hurting animals” branding to enrich greedy shareholders and pay oat executives billions?
Forbes Business Insights said, “The global oatmeal market size stood at USD 2.40 billion in 2019 and is projected to reach USD 3.53 billion by the end of 2027, expected to grow at a CAGR of 4.6% in the forecast period (2020–2027).”
What the hell is USD and CAGR? It seems like just more corporate gobbledygook that really means oats are better for Wall Street billionaires than the hardworking American families struggling to put oatmeal on the table to feed their screaming liberal-groomed children.
A few years ago, Quaker Oats became Quaker Foods and Beverages after being gobbled up by PepsiCo, which reported $25 billion in revenues last year. Now what does the “humble” oat have to say?
By the way, a question for Mister Jeff Bezos:
Why does the same 8.9 ounce box of Cheerios cost 33 percent more at Whole Foods than at Walmart — $4 versus $3?
More puzzling, who buys Cheerios at Whole Foods when it offers even healthier and costlier cereal options that liberal-groomed children love, such as Wretched Bunches of Bulgar and Cap’n Quinoa with Wheat Berries?
And what about that Quaker Oats guy?
Behind his warm, cheery countenance, he almost certainly was racist, misogynist and transphobic.
Forgive him: It was cool back in his day. Powerful white men in black suits were even more repressive and regressive than those on the Trump Supreme Court. They also sowed more wild oats than Trump boasts about while also dictating reproduction.
Don’t get me quaking about the Quakers in general.
We’re all fooled by how nice, peaceful and humanistic they are. But, “The Quakers were among the most prominent slave traders during the early days of the country,” according to PBS, the official state media of fact-obsessed elite liberals. Yet, “paradoxically, they were also among the first denominations to protest slavery.”
So the Quakers were flip-floppers!
Later, Quaker Oats enslaved the beloved mustachioed actor Wilford Brimley with filthy capitalist lucre to tout how our corrupt Socialist government health experts in the pocket of Big Oat said oats are healthy. Although maybe not when bunched with honey, like in Honey Bunches of Oats.
Oats are food for thought
Next time you have breakfast, interrogate the issues oats raise if you believe they’re healthier than the Real American trucker breakfast of cheesy eggs, bacon and sausage, cheesy grits, cheesy hash browns and cheesy biscuits. With a side of statins and defibrillator.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
