“These kids are marketing’s newest power brokers. Barely out of diapers, they’re already playing an outsize role in household buying decisions, even though the oldest among them are only 9 years old.” — AdAge
Don’t be fooled: The hyped-up “OK Boomer” sniping between Gen Z/Millennials and Baby Boomers is a false flag distracting everyone from the real enemy: Gen Alpha, people born after 2010.
That’s right — we’re talking about babies.
Go ahead and wonder what kind of sick monster would challenge sweet innocent infants who keep parents up all night, toddlers that work-life overwhelmed parents tweet tragi-hilariously about, and preternaturally sarcastic first-graders.
But just for a second, let go of your loving humanity and think about it: Babies are guilty of everything haters hate about Gen Z, Millennials and Boomers:
Babies are lazy
Like Millennials returning home from a gender studies degree at Smith College, the vast majority of babies (outside Eritrea, Somalia, Democratic Republic of Congo, Myanmar, Sudan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Zimbabwe and Yemen) don’t have jobs and most won’t consider a paying career. Many stay in bed most of the day. “Generally, newborns sleep about 8 to 9 hours in the daytime and about 8 hours at night,” one study showed.
Fast forward, by the time Gen Alpha babies turn 16, they’ll all expect free driverless cars to glide them from their subsidized housing to their free guaranteed college that doesn’t give elitist judgy grades. Their lives will be perfect like in Finland and will include free unlimited healthcare funded by billionaires, future generations and Scandinavian fairy dust.
Babies act entitled
Also like Millennials, Gen Alpha babies need to be coddled and expect to have everything handed to them on a silver high chair tray. They demand unearned respect as a birthright, even when they caterwaul incoherently like collegiate protesters and have little or no accomplishments, not even a decent LinkedIn profile for job recruiters to ignore.
And OMG, have you ever worked with a baby? They demand to be supported and nurtured and have snacks and toys to play with just for showing up, even if mostly what they produce literally is crap.
Babies are oversensitive
Gen Alpha babies are such snowflakes! They whine and cry about every little “micro-aggression” and “attack on their personal agency,” like when their blankies fall on the floor or they’re hungry or wet. Boo-the-f**king-hoo, insensitive people say, adding that half these babies really just need to grow a pair.
Babies are narcissists
Infants are more self-obsessed than Boomers, Millennials and Gen Z put together, if that’s even possible. Look at their generation’s name — “alpha” — which means “a dominant person or their behavior, especially with respect to socially aggressive.”
Like Henry VI, crowned at 8 months and 26 days, babies are already dictating our lives. Not just how much sleep we get, or whether we get to eat or use the bathroom, but even what we buy. “Two-thirds of parents say the habits and needs of their children influenced their last technology purchase, including TVs, smartphones and tablets,” AdAge quotes a Hotwire survey.
“Some brands, like Fitbit, Crest and Walgreens, are already honing their Alpha strategies,” AdAge says, and quotes Hotwire report author Emma Hazan that, “The tables are turning and the kids are the decision-makers, or at least a very powerful influencer.”
Babies are a threat to humanity
Boomers, dubbed “A Generation of Sociopaths” by writer and venture capitalist Bruce Gibney, have “mortgaged the future in exchange for hoarding wealth while also voting to end necessary social programs,” as described by Vox.com, which was founded by Millennials. Since many of their parents will be buying homes to raise their families in, Gen Alpha babies literally have “mortgaged the future.”
It’s worth it of course because, as people say, “children are our future.” Especially if you’re looking forward to human-driven climate change turning Earth into a smoldering cinder.
While selfish Boomers procreated to recreate their incredible selves with nary a care about the planet, thankfully their “woke” Gen Z and Millennial kids fret about whether having babies is climate “unwoke.”
They’re not just virtue-signaling. They worry their Alpha Gen babies will further fill Third World waste sites and the oceans with their poopy disposable diapers, discarded educational toys that lack touch screens and Bluetooth, and high-tech baby strollers and car seats the kids quickly outgrew or were recalled for safety reasons. Unlike the self-centered Boomers, Gen Z and Millennials worry about contributing to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch as they contribute to it.
Nobody questions that baby feet are cute. But by the time today’s Alpha Gen babies reach the age of today’s Boomers, their carbon footprints will rival the size of Greenland while turning it into a tropical destination Brownland.
In their “OK Boomer” thing, GenZ and Millennials often forget their parents’ generation, in their youth, challenged corporate and political power, protested the Vietnam war and fought for civil rights and equality.
Throughout history, generations have despised and revolted against previous generations they thought were stupid and backwards. It’s natural. That’s how evolution works.
What our generations have in common, though, is not whether we, as adults, are woke, but when the baby is. Because if baby ain’t sleeping, ain’t nobody sleeping.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.