Other household cures for Covid
Clorox is getting too much credit for curing Covid-19 while also keeping whites whiter, like Fox News does.
What about other top household cleaning products?
When I finally get into my grocery store and slalom around or hip-check shoppers away from me, I see that Clorox is now gone even before the Charmin, thanks to the President of the United States. So I recommend hoarding other cleaning products to prevent, treat and cure the Covid, such as:
If you saw the brilliant 2002 documentary, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” you know Windex cures whatever’s wrong with you from psoriasis to poison ivy.
Windex is to Covid as film critics were to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2” — deadly. They said watching the movie felt like drinking the active Windex ingredient, ammonia.
So, joggers, if you get anywhere near me with your mouth droplets and viral shedding, a warning: I carry a spray bottle of Windex and know how to spritz it. As Dirty Harry said, do you feel lucky, punk?
Spic and Span
Compound this powdered all-purpose household cleaner with water to make a thick poultice, spread in a cloth, heat, and apply as needed.
As Healthline.com says, “A poultice can treat infection by killing bacteria and drawing out the infection.” In olden times, “doctors” frequently used poultices when they ran low on leeches and insurance coverage, and nobody died. Actually, everybody from olden times died, but the research is inconclusive whether the cause was poultices.
“So clean, it shines,” Spic and Span says, “Stains come clean with the power of protein.” I’m telling you, people are saying a poultice with protein is tremendous, it’s incredible, one day, it’s like a miracle, it makes the Covid disappear.
Bon Ami bathroom cleanser
Literally translated from the French as “good friend,” this not-French product “has been a household favorite since 1886” for scrubbing tubs and sinks “largely due to our effective, nontoxic formula,” the company says.
Many tremendous people are saying Bon Ami scours away the Covid-19. Doctor Birx or Brix, I’m not a doctor, although they always ask, ‘how do you know so much about this?’ Maybe I have a natural ability.
But people say you’re a physician, which I understand is a kind of doctor. Maybe you should be looking into this?
Look at what Bon Ami is made of — calcium carbonate, which is limestone, feldspar powder, which people tell me comes from feldspar, and sodium carbonate, which is really just soda ash like when Steve Bannon grabs my Diet Coke can to put out his cigarette. There’s also some sodium bicarbonate, which is a fancy name for baking soda, and C10-C16 alkylbenzene sulfonic acid. Many incredible people are telling me these are chemicals our bodies need anyway.
For instance, the baking soda in Bon Ami. I hear people use it on their teeth because it has tremendous, incredible whitening properties. It also creates what people are saying is an alkaline environment in your mouth that prevents bacteria from growing in there. I’m not a periodontist but they always ask me why I know so much about gum disease.
I’m just talking out loud here. Doctor Brexit, you’re already looking into this, right?
We all know Mr. Clean gets tough on dirt and grime. He’s bald and has a great body like The Rock or Vin Diesel. Obviously he kicks ass and takes names when germs or immigrants with germs threaten America.
So just wait when Mr. Clean gets to work on your high fever, splitting headache, dry cough and shortness of breath. And if you’re in a hurry to get over the Covid and back to work, try Mr Clean® Magic Eraser, which my people tell me is a sponge with many helpful chemicals that will wipe away your Covid like it never happened.
A lot of very fine people are saying these things trap and lock dust and allergens with thousands of fluffy fibers. Just Swiffer away the Covid virus from any surface. You can also use them for face masks.
The lying media complains about the misspelling of “tidy bowl,” but the in-tank liquid dispenser automatically cleans and deodorizes your toilet with a signature blue “Clean You Can See.” That’s what the Ty-D-Bol company says, and I know them, they’re fantastic people.
But I gotta tell you, while Ty-D-Bol contains several sodiums like borate, chloride, salts and sulfate, plus acid blue 9, cellulose gum and hydroxyethylcellulose for texture and flavor, it does not contain any chlorine bleach. So Doctor Bird over here is saying please do not drink Ty-D-Bol for the Covid.
Let me add that since your family is stuck together at home, the beautiful blue Ty-D-Bol color will help cover up whatever your family is doing to your commodes, which I can assure you are not as big and beautiful as mine.
Lysol Disinfecting Wipes
Wiping can’t cure the Covid, but maybe it can help what many people are saying, you know, fatten the curve.
Good Housekeeping says “Antibacterial wipes are the superheroes of cleaning supplies: they’re easy to grab, disposable, and clean while they disinfect. To get rid of germs, use them on faucets, toilets, and appliance handles; light switches; doorknobs; remote controls; and other common areas.”
That’s a healthy practice in both normal life for germophobes like me but especially during highly contagious pandemics that’ll be gone when it gets hot in July. So maybe this whole fake global warming thing is not so bad?
Anyway, during this Covid situation, you should use these little Lysol towelettes to wipe down your children, pets, food, and definitely yourself and your spouse or whatever before engaging in any adult activities if you still do that.
Trust me, some of you media need to take a bath. You’re nasty. I recommend Mister Bubble. He’ll get you so clean your mother won’t know you. He’ll bubble you clean and soften your skin. You’ll bubble away the Covid. I know Mister Bubble. He’s tremendous.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.