Begging his self-pardon
Trump would play right into the liberal plot to take over America.
President Trump is on a pardon kick. He’s already the greatest pardoning president ever.
Just 500 days in office, he’s pardoned one Thanksgiving turkey, six convicted felons, and of course, himself. Just in case the ongoing investigations somehow, scraping the barrel, find he’s done anything wrong, which he never has. That witch won’t hunt.
As the travesties of injustice against him keep piling up, day after day, no American president has ever deserved to pardon himself more than Trump.
No president has ever been so viciously and unfairly victimized. Especially one who avoids or peaceably resolves confrontation, even engaging critics and other mortal enemies Gandhi-like with serene patience, love and respect.
If Edward Bulwer-Lytton was correct that the pen is mightier than the sword, then Mr. Trump is still alive only through heavenly intervention, saved by the prayers of millionaire fundamentalist Christian church leaders who pragmatically set aside fundamental Christian values for political expediency just like Jesus would.
The powerful, well organized Democrat/liberal mainstream media/anti-American/globalist/Satanic assault on our most popular president ever represents the greatest affront to the rule of law since Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton, leading to millions of hard-working Americans unable to secure “Hamilton” tickets at any price.
The injustices against Trump range from failing to anoint him as the best smartest president ever and his feet with fragrant oils, to printing or quoting what he says, does and tweets.
But that’s nothing compared with the greatest wrong ever visited upon a sitting president since ABC fired Roseanne Barr: The plot by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and his lawless gang of Hillary-loving liberals to appease her huge rally crowds demanding to “lock him up!”
The Mueller/Hillary dirty rotten lying criminal conspiring Spy-Gating cabal is leaving no stone unturned to get Trump. They’re also leaving no tern unstoned just in case throwing rocks at seabirds or getting them wasted on legal marijuana helps to indict, convict and jail the most popular president in history.
More than anything, liberals hope to goad Trump into putting himself above the law by pardoning himself, either before or after we frame him for high crimes and misdemeanors.
It’s all part of our plan:
1.Trump pardoning Trump would lead to an historic Constitutional crisis, impeachment and him proudly rising back up his escalator to wherever it goes to the strains of “Stairway to Heaven.”
2.We somehow get Vice President Mike Pence. It won’t be easy: He’s a Hoosier (aka, “almost nicer than Canadians”), smooth as an otter and clean as a whistle soaked overnight in Clorox. But you know the Deep State will get it done.
3.Then after the Democrats use voter fraud — including illegal immigrants — to seize control of the House in November, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi becomes Speaker, third in line for the presidency. With Trump and Pence ousted, we inaugurate President Pelosi and celebrate shattering the glass ceiling. With so many atheists in the crowd, we don’t require use of the Bible for her swearing in.
4. We then unleash our Harvard and Yale (not Princeton!) lawyers to use complicated law stuff to rewrite the Constitution to transform America from a democracy to a monarchy. Voila! We install Hillary Clinton as the rightful, righteous and most regal Queen of America. President Pelosi is reduced to a mostly ceremonial and slavishly supportive role. Like Pence now.
5. Then we throw open America’s borders to illegal criminal immigrants so they can overwhelm our whiteness, make us assimilate to their languages and cultures, change the Cracker Barrel menus to offer unidentifiable and unpronounceable albeit delicious dishes that torture our alimentary systems mostly used to mayonnaise and fast food, and take crappy low-paying jobs we don’t want but need someone to do.
We also give back their illegal immigrant kids that Trump incarcerated because their parents were breaking the law and costing honest hardworking American citizens millions of dollars a year. Real Americans break the law by cheating on their taxes costing us half a trillion dollars a year.
6.We also open our borders to unlimited free trade to create jobs by boosting exports of competitive American products, rolling back the Trump-style socialist trade barriers, tariffs and threats to protect dying industries because he got elected promising his voters he would bring back jobs that are gone forever and frankly sucked.
7. With Hillary dictating from her gold-plated throne with her name in huge gold letters over it, she will command that sick people — including the poor and middle class — can get affordable healthcare instead of getting sicker and dying. She is benevolent and devoted to her subjects that way, and thinks paying for insurance means you have insurance when you need it.
8. We impose martial law and call on suddenly efficient government bureaucrats to round up anyone following #AlwaysTrump and take away their guns so only criminals have guns. This will create new economic opportunities both for criminals and their taxpayer-funded public defenders.
9. We’ll shut down the Fox News voice of liberty, intellect, reason and free-thinking. We’ll start by unleashing the #MeToo movement to expose the rest of the sexual harassers at the network. With Fox out of the way, we’ll make CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, NPR, The New York Times, The Washington Post and other mainstream media the new official state news agencies to stupefy the masses with boring facts and complicated reality.
10.We appoint Antifa, pink-hatters and college kids indoctrinated by socialist professors with weird hair and PhDs in fighting white Western colonial cultural hegemony to rewrite the First Amendment. They’ll ban any word or joke that might offend even the most highly sensitive person, especially Republicans mortally stung by Samantha Bee.
However, we will allow illegal immigrants to misappropriate our white Western Christian suburban culture any way they want, including for example eating hot dogs and potato chips on the Fourth of July.
It goes without saying that Queen Hillary’s Most Righteous Minister of Political and Cultural Correctness, Michael Moore, will be busy.
Oops — did I just reveal the liberal plot against America?
No less on Medium.com, where up to three people will read this piece?
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.