Planning for Trumpocalypse: Week 1
Like my calendar isn’t tragic enough
Jeffrey Denny
After his re-coronation, Trump is planning to dictate on Day One and then get right to work revenging.
On his seventh day, he’ll rest.
Not to flex, but as someone Trump might declare an enemy of the state, I need to start planning my End of Days:
Day One
Weep, keen, gnash teeth, book dentist to Invisalign gnashed teeth if dental insurance covers, and rend sustainable garments.
Also self-medicate with edibles and bespoke cocktails, balance doomscrolling with gleefreshing, and enjoy costly dishes at beloved ethnic restaurants before the owners are deported. Babu!!!
Day Two
Confront “overbooked” therapist for failing to squeeze me in.
Make clear my anxiety this time is DSM real, not just being a “goddamned whiny worry-wort” as she told my insurance to not cover our sessions.
Threaten therapist with bad Yelp reviews. Yelp is the ultimate cry for help.
Day Three
Send deep apologies to old Canadian friends for saying they were “too liberal even for me.”
This could help in my plea to let me stay with them open-endedly as a political refugee seeking asylum from Trump persecution.
Day Four
Trade Prius for Ford Super Duty F-350 XLT pickup truck with 7.3-liter gas V8 engine and 430 horsepower and who-cares MPG.
Write Medium pieces supporting Trump oil billionaires who spend millions to fool MAGAs that the climate crisis from using fossil fuels is liberal bullshit. Whine about Biden gas prices even as presidents have little control yet plummeted under Biden.
When buying pickups, add dealer options such as gun racks, mounts for USA, Confederate, and Trump flags, and hilarious hood ornament of Calvin peeing on liberals.
Day Five
Search and destroy all social media commentary criticizing Trump. Also delete 2,000 Medium pieces that stupidly questioned the superior intelligence of MAGAs.
Trump Reich Minister Stephen Miller and his Schutzstaffel and citizen gestapo vill nicht look so kindly upon such insurrecting free speech.
Binge old “Hogan’s Heroes” sitcom episodes to learn how Col. Hogan and his crew of rebellious Allied POWs charmed and fooled Stalag 13 Kommandant Wilhelm Klink and his aide de camp, Sgt. Hans Schultz.
When Fox News pollsters text seeking my views on Reichskanzler Trump, declare, “I see nothink! I hear nothink! I know nothink!”
Day Six
Apologize to Trump-loving family members for ruining their last several Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinners.
Tell them I didn’t mean to cause a stir by questioning their highly informed and objective opinions about hating their fellow Americans who aren’t straight, white and Christian like they are. And about immigrants who didn’t come here the right way like they’re pretty sure their grandparents did.
Recognize many family members may itch to volunteer for the Trump citizen gestapo and might happily turn me in. Family can be funny that way.
Delete 23andMe account that suggests I’m not 1000% Northern European thus poisoning the blood of America.
Day Seven
Strip home of any evidence I might be a Deep State Socialist Pedophile fellow traveler and not a real American.
Dump Covid test kits and vaccine records. Shred, burn and spread the ashes of my leaning tower of unread New Yorker magazines. Bury rain gardens and compost tanks. Sort planet-friendly, gluten-free, non-GMO, flexitarian, worker-respectful, vegan-certified fake meats, ethnic spices and condiments, and luxury water bottles, and place them properly into one of the 27 recycling bins.
For when you somehow sneak past Canadian border control or get in legally by declaring U.N. refugee status, learn from YouTube and TikTok videos how to avoid being triggered. Like when Canadian friends lifting their lamps to welcome your wretched huddled mass to their golden doors say, “I told you America was inferior!”
Finally, accept Jesus as Savior. Get me to the nearest evangelical megachurch, the more squalid and phony the millionaire preacher the better. Jesus will get that I’m faking. Apparently He loves me whatever. We’ll have local IPA prayer beers and LOL about how he’s suffering these goddamn fools.
Then I’ll rest.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
