Planning for Trumpocalypse: Week 2
OOO, OOO, OOO
Jeffrey Denny
How shamefully silly of me.
Last month I joked on Medium about planning my Week 1 calendar in case America’s #1 domestic threat and enemy of the state Donald Trump returned to power with his axis of evil to dictate, revenge and commit more insurrection and impeachable crimes, from high to misdemeanor.
This is now no laughing matter (or surprise) after the Trump-stacked Supreme Court ruled him above the law and Constitution as he’s locked the GOP nomination and polls to storm the White House again.
Naturally, my Week 2 planning has become a wee more serious.
So if you send me an urgent time-sensitive email and feel triggered by my seemingly blithe OOO Out of Office reply because you think I’m saying my me time is more important than your me time, that’s not what’s happening. I might be saying OOO forever, as my calendar permits:
Sunday
Lift my beloved 20 lb. forest-canopy and climate-killing liberal Sunday New York Times off the stoop, haul it around back, and performatively dump it in the fire pit, douse it with a fossil propellent, and light it ablaze.
Toss in copies of “Fahrenheit 451.” Sprinkle with school books on the child-protecting banned list curated by Moms for Liberty, co-founded by confirmed polyamorist Bridget Ziegler, mother of three girls and devoted wife of alleged rapist and fired Florida GOP chairman and Trump disciple Christian Ziegler.
Sneer, “Take that, Tiny D Meatball DisHonest, DeEstablishment DeSanctimonious Ron and your donors on the Trump retribution list!”
Video the rising pyre, add Johnny Cash “Ring of Fire” background music, and post on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and for good measure, Truth Social. This will make Trumpminister of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda Stephen Miller grin like Grinch plotting retribution against the Deep State Whoville.
Monday
Just another manic Monday! Wish it was Sunday. ’Cause that’s my fun day. My I-don’t-have-to-run day.
Until after Monday, January 20, 2025, when Trump is triumphantly crowned Supreme Dear Leader unless the Deep State rigs the election against him yet again.
I’ll start my second Trump Monday by making a complete list of friends, family, neighbors and colleagues to rat out on NextDoor for being Enemies of Trumpstate before they rat me out to save their hides and children. That’s what happens in reichs.
Tuesday
Like Lynyrd Skynyrd said, Tuesday’s gone with the wind.
Too much to do. Erasing my internet history and presence. Putting my affairs in order (they know who they are, wink emoji). Hosting an end-of-days yard sale to let depraved strangers pick through my personal belongings and haggle the price for a lock of my grandmother’s hair from a dime to a nickel because they just want the DNA to make fake meat.
All before I ghost everyone and go underground to join a Trump Resistance book and whine club.
So much stuff get rid of! When did I become a hoarder? And how can anyone price a vintage Crate & Barrel sofa dating back to when the store sold crates and barrels?
Wednesday
Dump the Prius before they’re outlawed. EVs and hybrids scream liberal eco-vego-ESG-DEI woke Jesus-style terrorism. Also pedophilia that can’t hold a candle to Christian pastors. Who needs to draw Trumpstapo attention while driving kids to farmer’s markets and liberal schools?
Recognize that only stupid Deep State liberal college-indoctrinated scientists say driving fossil-fueled vehicles contributes to death and destruction from deadly violent weather.
Claim it’s God’s Will as He also blessed ExxonMobil’s $150 million net worth CEO Darren Woods with a 50% pay hike last year for $36 million total take-home because MAGA hero Vladimir Putin’s brutal war against Ukraine that’s killed thousands of innocent men, women and children lifted oil prices. While MAGAs who aren’t whatsoever dumbass Fox sheep blamed Biden for oil prices.
Stop hating! The ExxonMobil CEO and Foundation tithed hundreds of thousands for charitable causes from the company’s $36 billion in profits last year. Instead shop around for the best deal on the biggest, baddest pickup truck, maybe the 16 mpg Dodge RAM 3500 Mega Cab, to blend in with the MAGAs.
Take a page from the Johnny Cash song, “A Wednesday Car,” that vehicles assembled midweek are the best because wage workers like those who Trump cheers, fools and screws are over last weekend’s hangovers but not yet dreaming about Friday.
Thursday
Stand in front of the bathroom mirror and croon mournfully about how little I’ve accomplished in my life as the future looks bleak. Like David Bowie in his 1999 “Thursday’s Child” video.
Although none of that was true for him at the time as his star continued to rise while most of ours will fade or be snuffed under Trump.
Friday
Reflect on my second Trump week. Realize I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too. Thursday, I don’t care about Trump, it’s Friday, I’m in love.
Platonically, of course, with the Canada Border Services agent at the “leaky” Peace Bridge port of entry at Buffalo who cheerfully accepted my tired, poor, humbled, wretched application for asylum from Trump political persecution. “You feel pretty funny now for laughing at Canada, eh?” the agent winked while waving me through.
Saturday
In the park. I think it was the First of July, Canada’s Independence Day. People dancing, people laughing, a man selling ice cream, singing Italian songs.
Saturday night: At 7 o’clock I wanna rock, get a belly full of beer. Get about as oiled as a diesel train, try to set the dance alight.
At 9 o’clock, shuffle into a bar with the regular crowd consisting of an old man sittin’ next to me, John at the bar, Paul the real estate novelist and Davy who’s still in the Navy and probably will be for life. Say man what am I doin’ here? Note to self: Put bread in the jar of the piano man. Bread means Amex card.
Sunday
Another park, another Sunday. It’s dark and empty thanks to Trump.
I got to get myself together. But it’s hard to do.
Can music save your mortal soul? Or as Marley said, “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
