President-elect Harris’s shocking cabinet picks
Her revenge and retribution team takes shape
Jeffrey Denny
After her stunning sweep of the 2024 presidential election and Congress, President-Elect Kamala Harris formed her cabinet so fast that Fox News heads were left spinning like the second coming of Beetlejuice.
The network’s occasional host Pete Hegseth, once rumored to be GOP nominee Donald Trump’s pick for Secretary of Defense despite no qualifications, said, “Whoever this liberal warmonger picks is totally unqualified to protect and defend this great nation.”
But Harris’s starting lineup reflects her promise to Make America Joyful Again:
Beyoncé as Secretary of Yo I Ain’t Your Secretary
Harris picked Giselle Knowles-Carter to be her top cabinet member above all because damn girl!
Even knucklehead white dad chino guys like Vice President-elect Tim Walz know that Queen Bey don’t report to nobody, not even to the president.
And don’t call them “secretaries” like in Mad Men — they’re administrative professionals.
Rachel Maddow as Secretary of Global Statehood
Harris privately told her team that the star MSNBC host is absolutely, 100% always completely spot-on absolutely smartly correct about everything everywhere all at once, so let’s see her fix Ukraine, Gaza, China and whatever’s going on out there. “How about a little fire, scarecrow?” Harris quipped while vetting Maddow.
But Harris recognized that Maddow is camera friendly and even “rizz” to a key element of their core demographic, the sapiosexuals who find smart hot.
Maddow beat rival candidates John Oliver, Seth Meyers and even Bill Maher, whose agent said he wasn’t available, meaning he’s too all-knowing and lacks the self-loathing humility to be Secretary of State.
Marcello Hernandez as Secretary of Homeland Security
Harris loves the Cuban/Dominican comedian who made TV history as one of only four Latino cast members in SNL’s 50 years.
She thought Hernandez would be perfect to counter the rise in Latino voters for Trump despite his running on white bigotry calling for Latino deportation. Laughter is the best medicine for what ails the border.
William “Brad” Pitt as Secretary of Defense
Critics say Pitt has zero experience to lead the most powerful military in the world, where the first rule is “you do not talk about the most powerful military in the world.”
But Harris transition sources say she’s merely pandering the Pitt’s slavishly drooling fans but loves his camera-ready appearance. “How is someone other than Tom Cruise still so jacked at 60?” Harris didn’t say to her doughy First Gentleman-elect bae.
Harvey Weinstein as Attorney General
Planning to wield her pardon power, Harris wanted to trigger the “woke” to please her sensible moderate base. Like she did as a California prosecutor by convicting innocent violent armed muggers, carjackers and killers.
Asked about Harris’s excitement that he will lead the Justice Department, Weinstein replied, “Me too.”
Caroline Kennedy as Health Secretary
The author, attorney, former U.S. ambassador and only surviving child of former U.S. president John F. Kennedy and First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy fortunately lacks any healthcare experience.
She doesn’t even have a worm in her brain that makes her what the quack CDC medical experts call “virulently whackdoodle.”
But she’s a Kennedy. For Democrats, enough said.
Taylor Swift as Secretary of Tweens
Swift’s endorsement of Harris sparked a thermonuclear explosion and mushroom cloud of support by millions of pre-women who unfortunately were too young to vote.
Post-election voter data showed that the Swiftie Pandemic convinced up to zero parents to vote for Harris instead of Trump, despite inflation of Swift concert tickets prices he promised to fix.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Secretary of Socialism
She’ll hit the ground running with her squad and their tatted anti-capitalist supporters who went to costly private colleges funded by their capitalist parents and demand more money and me-time on their phones for making coffee and suffering dumbass customers.
Jeff Bezos as Secretary of Capitalism
A surprise pick given that the Amazon founder spiked The Washington Post’s endorsement of Harris, and many liberals have long despised the world’s richest man for abusing workers and destroying small businesses.
But Harris transition sources note that she recognizes how many conservatives hate Bezos too because he funds The Washington Post and, worse, the fight against climate change.
Since the left and right both hate Bezos, Harris’s pick reflects her pledge to heal the political divide and also lower prices with free overnight shipping.
MacKenzie Scott as Treasury Secretary
The former novelist, Amazon co-founder, philanthropist and one the world’s wealthiest women can write a check tomorrow to erase the former Trump administration’s surge in our national debt.
But it’s not because of Scott’s divorce settlement with Jeff Bezos. And they’re both emotionally advanced adults, so no awkwardness at Harris cabinet meetings.
Bernie Sanders as Secretary of Elder Irritation
Even as a progressive U.S. Senator from Vermont, which hates money, Sanders has made millions from hating people, from his landmark “Seinfeld” sitcom residuals to “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Sanders didn’t want the job despite feeling he would be “pretty pretty pretty good” at it.
Jerome Seinfeld as Secretary of Laffs
America clearly needs more happy humor to bring us together, not mean divisive MAGA “humor” like how Puerto Rico is a floating pile of garbage.
Harris is known to be a huge Seinfeld. In her acceptance speech, which she kept short with a few yadda yadda yaddas, she spoke about reproductive freedom and won thunderous applause when she asked, “Is not America a sponge-worthy master of our domain?”
Harris, who promised to dictate from Day One, plans to dissolve the U.S. Senate so her nominees can start right away.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
