NBC News

Promises deleted from GOP’s ‘Commitment to America’

Too real

Jeffrey Denny

The “Republican Commitment to America,” proudly released by House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, is brilliant.

Like minimalist poetry, the GOP platform is elegant in its simplicity:

An Economy That’s Strong.

A Nation That’s Safe.

A Future That’s Built On Freedom.

A Government That’s Accountable.

Dang. Even as a Democrat, I want these things. Why can’t the Democrats embrace these values instead of hating them?

While the GOP is so scared of the MAGA base it would heil QAnon, rebrand the J6 insurrection riot beating Blue Lives as “legitimate public discourse,” tango with racist nativist haters, defend presidential high crimes and misdemeanors, and reelect Trump, Republican leaders aren’t completely shameless cowards willing to sell their souls for power. Even if they were, the liberals are worse.

To his credit, McCarthy courageously stripped the “Commitment to America” of the detailed policy prescriptions that made MAGA focus groups hoot with deliciously, maliciously, malevolent delight. For instance:

Throw a bucket of mop water on Nancy Pelosi.

Enjoy watching the House Speaker, a grandmother still doing her job every day, writhe and scream, “I’m melting! Melting!”

Demonize marginalized people.

Real Americans are toxically triggered and traumatized when other Americans demand the same rights and respect they demand.

Keep America white.

The Great Replacement Theory and Critical Race Theory present real and present dangers to America.

Repeal the United Nations 1951 Convention, 1967 Protocol and 1980 Refugee Act, et al., to stop granting asylum to nonwhite migrants fleeing persecution and death, even if Jesus wouldn’t.

Ban mistreating poor, innocent refugees by sending them to Martha’s Vineyard or Democrat sanctuary cities that welcome them. Send them to Moscow to help the great Russian President Vladimir Putin defeat the neo-Nazi Ukrainians and their Jewish president.

Take down the Statue of Liberty and lock ‘er up with the glorious Confederate hero statues toppled by the racist fascist Socialist liberals. “She/her/hers” is dividing America more than Robert E. Lee ever did.

Designate BLM as a threat to our homeland. Establish a Permanent Commission on Caucasian Rights. Appoint the good people who protested against replacement at Charlottesville.

Hunt down Hunter.

Do whatever necessary to “find” evidence in Hunter Biden’s laptop of his complicity in every Democrat scandal since he was born in 1970.

Search key words and phrases such as Watergate witch hunt, Whitewater where Hillary drowned Vince Foster, Benghazi where Hillary did or didn’t do whatever, Kenyan Barack Hussein Obama’s illegal presidency and disrespectful tan suit, Fauci and his fake Covid-19 and 1 million American deaths, Critical Race Theory, and stealing Trump’s 2020 election and buying Trump judges to deny it.

Uncover a bombshell, jaw-dropping, internet-breaking revelation, for instance, Hunter shared a secret illicit drug den love nest with Chelsea that Hillary tried to cover up with her Benghazi false flag.

Prove Hunter’s role in the vast Soros global conspiracy of powerful, Satan-worshiping pedophile elites who control Hollywood, the mainstream media, universities, election boards, school boards, homeowner associations, librarians, the internet, the metaverse, Starbucks, and every irritating iPhone update that lets the liberal government, Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos spy on us even more.

Look for any connection that Zuckerberg and Bezos definitely have with Area 51. The truth is out there.

Take over voting from voters.

Too many American voters vote against Republicans. That’s wrong for them, and wrong for America.

We need to take over the criminal nonpartisan volunteer election poll workers, precinct judges, county clerks, election boards and their anti-Trump ilk, jail them as enemies of the state, and replace them with MAGAs who know how to count right.

We need to find the votes to confirm President Trump as the 2020 winner, seize power in 2022, and re-reelect Trump in 2024, to infinity and beyond.

Build Bunk Better.

Release brilliant award-winning film producer/political prisoner Steve Bannon and declare him the new Herod of Hollywood.

Round up the non-Christians — should be easy, except for volume — and send them to Trump Reeducation Camp® for what seems even longer than “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.” Remake Leni Riefenstahl’s brilliant films to make America greater. Sponsor Bannon’s TV series pitch, “Law & Order: Special Trump Definition.”

Redefine “rule of law.”

Pardon, exonerate and release everyone under investigation or charged, indicted, pled guilty, or was convicted of loyalty to President Trump.

Indict, arrest and jail judges — both Democrats and RINOs — who illegally ruled against Trump loyalists. Charge them with unspecified political high crimes and misdemeanors.

Crack open the Constitution.

Repeal the 22nd and 25th amendments to make Trump President for Life and forgive him his trespasses as he righteously does not forgive those who trespass against him.

Flip the Second Amendment to the First. Delete the confusing “well-regulated Militia” clause.

Strip the former First Amendment of free-speech rights to cancel the cancel-culture liberals and their mainstream media, as decided by the Trump Minister of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda, Tucker Carlson.

Take down that wall.

Between church and state. Prosecute and persecute misguided non-Christian heathens.

Celebrate personhood.

No, not the liberal “agency” or “identity.”

First off, Constitutionally criminalize abortion and all so-called OB/GYN.

Then ban all private adult “activity” that fails to result in the birth of Christian children.

The bans would include, but not be limited to: Swiping left; mandatory work happy hours; first dates that go nowhere; HWP (Hookups With Protection); FWB (Friends Without Benefits); MWB (Marriage Without Benefits); CWC (Consent Without Conception), and any interruption of conception such as coitus interruptus, e.g., a sweet Goldendoodle jumped on the bed.

The only exception to abortion bans is when powerful Republicans who proclaim Christian family values and dearly love their wonderful wives and children “knock up” workplace subordinates.

The Republicans are wise to leave their political promises vague.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

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Jeffrey Denny

Jeffrey Denny

A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.