Proposed responses to the #FledCruz backlash even the Senator rejected
The “Cancun Cruz” scandal continues to unfold following U.S. Senator Ted Cruz’s tropical resort Covidcation while his Texas constituents froze in the dark stuck at home during a deadly pandemic.
A secret recording of his staff meeting just prior to his trip has emerged where aides anticipated the overwhelming backlash and tried to convince the senator to reschedule.
But Cruz was determined to go and let the staff handle damage control.
“I don’t give a bucket of dead possums what the fake news says,” Cruz is heard snapping at his communications director. “It’s your job to come up with something my dumbass voters will swallow and repeat on social media and Tucker or Hannity can work with.”
Cruz urged his staff to come up with something offensive, as opposed to defensive.
But several proposed statements the staff offered, which a Cruz staff source dismissed as merely “ideation” and “desperate drunken spit-balling” were rejected by Cruz:
· If I canceled now, my daughters would freak out even more than my voters if I went. I can deal with my voters. And my campaign supporters. I wrangle them like cattle because I tell them I’m fighting Socialism. But daughters are smart, tough and smell BS from the next ranch. If you’re a dad with daughters, you know what I mean.
· God came unto me and said, “Ted, you need to get the hell out of Dodge.” He was worried about my fortitude to lead America to the promised land, praise the Lord. Which involves fighting Socialism, praise the Lord. He said I looked like “ten miles of bad road” from the stress of trying to stop the steal on behalf of America and freedom, praise the Lord.
· Typical liberal fake news media lies. It was purely a fact-finding mission. A massive illegal immigrant caravan was heading to the Texas border from the Yucatán Peninsula to take our Socialist minimum-wage jobs. I wanted to turn them back on behalf of millions of hard-working Texas families.
· As a proud supporter of President Trump’s US-Mexico-Canada Agreement that replaced the Socialist anti-American job-killing NAFTA, I needed to go down there and make sure American immigrants in Mexico are getting a fair share of the high-paying resort jobs.
· I begged my college roommate, “Take my wife, please.”
· The Senate was on recess. In America, recess means going out to play. Unless you’re a Socialist in the teacher’s union who is fighting against opening our schools.
· As I have said over and over again on national television, including on Fox, America’s number-one news source, all the major newspapers and news websites, and across the internet and social media, this is just another Socialist attempt to cancel me and my First Amendment right to be heard.
· AOC put up our Socialist windmills that millions of hard-working Texas families and jobs were depending on but froze when we needed those windmills the most. She raised $4 million to help distressed Texans as a political stunt just to troll me. But she frequently leaves Washington to spend time near Rockaway Beach, a luxury New York seaside resort. What a phony!
· While millions of hardworking Texas families were freezing in the cold with no heat, lights or clean water, the liberal ecoterrorists were off saving the sea turtles at South Padre Island because they were “stunned by the cold” and moving less than turtles usually do. This is AOC’s Green New Deal in action, caring for animals more than people.
· You think a guy who looks like me in skinny jeans my daughters insisted I wear to prank me doesn’t need tropical resort spa?
· You mess with me, you mess with Texas. Don’t mess with Texas. If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum. If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can. I got more guts than you could hang on a fence. I’m the only hell my mama ever raised. I’ll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage. I got some snap in my garters. I can ride the rough string. If I crow, the sun is up. Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered. A worm is the only animal that can’t fall down. This ain’t my first rodeo.*
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer
*Texas Monthly, “More Colorful Texas Sayings Than You Can Shake a Stick At.”