Rejected demands by the House MAGA Caucus
Gaetz Gang got greedy
The McCarthy-Gaetz Treaty of 2023 stands as one of the greatest peace pacts since the 1494 Treaty of Tordesillas.
You know, when the Papal State negotiated a deal between Portugal and Spain over who got to conquer and colonize Central and South America the most. Win-win.
Similarly win-win, Kevin McCarthy and Matt Gaetz both got what they wanted.
McCarthy got a wooden gavel as the Speaker of the House. In return, Gaetz and his MAGA Gang of 20 got crypto-level terawatt power over the Speaker of the House and America.
While they’re only 4.6% of the House — by my math, short of a majority — the MAGA gang can bankrupt America, destroy the U.S. economy, and throw millions out of work unless they can slash aid to the poor, sick and aged.
Not unlike the infamous 1973 National Lampoon magazine cover, “If You Don’t Buy This Magazine, We’ll Kill This Dog.”
The Gaetz Gang also gets to throw McCarthy off the train any time if he doesn’t go along to get along.
Talk about the art of the deal!
Don’t blame Gaetz and his fellow political terrorists for taking America hostage.
They’re just doing what their MAGA voters demand — wreak chaos and destruction, and rebel without a clue, as they act out resentments fueled and leveraged by Fox millionaire elites. Like when they defend the Trump insurrection violent J6 attack on the Capitol.
The fun part is that the “Chaos Caucus,” as one pundit labeled the Gaetz Gang, was elected or reelected with a ballpark merely 4 million votes out of 100 million cast by Americans nationally.
That’s right: Just 4% of voters —mostly people who proudly hate democratic government and know the least about how it works for them — are now running our government. Like if I hated my oral surgeon so I performed my own root canal.
The ever-gracious Gaetz crowed that his caucus got everything they wanted.
Not so. According to my internet sources, which apparently are as good as anyone’s, ten demands went too far:
- House Democrats must get forehead tattoos that say, “I Got Gaetzed.”
- The Democrats also must sign sworn statements and put out press releases declaring that they really are Socialists who hate America, our Christian God, whites, and men, but love pedophilia and sex-trafficking.
- The first bill introduced in the House, H.R. 1, shall be, “The Pedophilia Sex-Trafficking When Alleged Against an Esteemed Member of The Republican Majority of the U.S. House of Representatives Is Okie Dokie Act.”
- The entire Biden family dating back to the 13th century must turn over any laptops, desktops, phones, tablets, Bluetooth toothbrushes, Nest doorbells, or any other electronic devices, and all content (in the cloud or otherwise), as well as user names and passwords, to the Permanent Biden Investigation Impeachment Vengeance Whatabout Witch-Hunt Committee. Such devices shall include any electronic educational toys in the hands of any Biden grandchildren such as the Vtech Touch & Swipe Baby Phone, and especially those that teach Socialism and sexualize our innocent children such as Sesame Street Video Games.
- For all official video recordings of House proceedings, C-SPAN shall be replaced by OAN and not the liberal Fox News. Before broadcast, the video footage shall be reviewed by the reconstituted House Committee on Un-American Activities and edited for official truth to delete Democrat untruths which are evident from their moving lips. The Honorable Speaker Kevin McCarthy shall serve as the honorary late Joseph McCarthy.
- Congress shall not impeach the President of the United States for abuse of power, obstruction of Congress, incitement of insurrection or any high crimes and misdemeanors when the president is a member of the Republican Party. If the president is a member of the Democrat Party, Congress must impeach for any reason that any Republican might bring to the House floor.
- The House oath of office for the swearing in should be amended to delete all references to truth, faith, allegiance, evasion, God, etc., so as to permit members such as the Distinguished Gentleman from New York to raise their right hand and solemnly swear without bursting into flame, being hooted out of the chamber, or suggesting that Republicans are okie-dokie with lying, which they’re not.
- January 6 hereby shall be established as an annual federal holiday known as “Really Patriot Day” as opposed to merely 9–11 Patriot Day. Only Americans who can prove their patriotism by, for instance, posting hate for libs on social media, speaking out against non-saluting nonwhite athletes, or reporting Democrat family, friends, neighbors or colleagues to the House Committee on Un-American Activities get the day off. Deep State federal employees, including all of them, do not.
- Establish a House Freedom Committee to Cancel Cancelers to ensure the American people can enjoy their First Amendment right to freely insult their fellow Americans without recourse.
- Offer still-President Donald Trump a “Nixon Deal” he can’t refuse — exonerate him on the condition that The Greatest Ever steps aside and makes room for the fresh, new Gaetz Generation to Make America Even Really More Greater Again, plan pending.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.