Republicans bless Ultimate Speaker of the House
Seven surprising priorities on God’s legislative agenda
Jeffrey Denny
“I believe that Scripture, the Bible, is very clear: that God is the one who raises up those in authority.”
So said Mike Johnson, America’s first evangelical Christian to take the glorious throne next to God as House Speaker. While humbly pulling up an extra throne for Jesus.
God (the Christian One) is on a roll to rule America. He already ordained the Catholic Supreme Court majority. And the largely Christian Republican Congress. And come next November, the White House too, when Saint Donald the Pious triumphantly returns like Jesus “to fully and finally repay His enemies” (Matthew 16:27).
It’s truly a miracle that God officially is running our government. Since Republicans hate government. And Americans are fleeing Christianity like choir boys from creepy priests. And the Constitution, which Republicans interpret strictly, defends state from church. Our Founders, while all Christians, worried that theocracies tend to dominate, subjugate, and even slaughter their own citizens. See, e.g., the Taliban. Or Hamas.
Forgive me, but as a heathen I know bupkis about God.
I was baptized Catholic as an infant when I had no say in the matter. Apparently I lapsed in kindergarten, likely due to indoctrination by godless Socialist pre-school teachers. But I sense, as the Bible says, He/Him/His is not gender fluid.
I need to glow up on God. According to the Gospel of Saint Michael the Speaker, aka “MAGA Magic Mike” Johnson, God demands blessings that would make legendary Tonight Show host Johnny Carson, now in God’s loving embrace, utter his catch phrase, “Weird wild stuff. I did not know that”:
1. Christianity for everyone
Forget being Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, agnostic, atheist, vegan-emaciated, pescatarian, lacto-ovo vegetarian, oenophile, librarian, RINO, hypocritically urban liberal NIMBY, professor, Hillary pedophile, or other Deep State MSNBC or CNN watcher.
Jesus is not a classic Trumpy bully-victim, but you need to go along to get along with Him.
2. Freedom to shoot anyone
God is too busy balancing His Work and Life with enough Me Time to hear your performative “thoughts and prayers” for mass-slaughtered children. Or listen to stupid liberal pleas to ban AR-15s and curb the flood of guns that kill thousands of innocent people. Or debate the Second Amendment with gun-funded policy experts.
It says right in the Constitution that God wants everyone to shoot first, ask questions later.
3. No freedom from government
God wants the Trump Reich and MAGA Gestapo to track your location and arrest and imprison you in a Handmaiden Magdalene Colony camp if you happen to stop by your Walgreens for a flu shot, a Robert Mondavi Cabernet Private Selection, and an Advil PM chaser. Lest you be defying authorities to furtively pick up some verboten Plan B.
4. Making hate ok again
God clearly identifies as cis white male MAGA bigoted, nativist, LGBTQ-phobic, misogynist, poor desperate immigrant-hating right-wing Fox-watching real patriotic insurrectionist American.
God is not as loving as loving Christians brand Him.
5. Ignoring the poor
God says screw all that liberal Jesus bunk. He wants to shut down government, roil the financial markets, destroy the economy, and kill jobs for struggling wage workers if the Godless Democrats refuse to heed Christian MAGA demands to slash social programs that help the poorest.
Even if MAGAs are huge recipients of social programs and don’t realize how they’re hurting themselves thanks to millionaire Fox News personalities who pit them against Americans who aren’t white.
6. Teach the children well
God wants our government to protect our children from being open-minded, understanding and loving everyone. He wants our children to be as narrow-minded, repressed, and regressive as their MAGA parents.
God therefore wants us to ban books, education and thoughts except for what’s in the Bible. Even if the Bible teaches godawful things like, “the slave is the owner’s property” (Exodus 20:20–21).
As Speaker Johnson said to Fox News “personality” Sean Hannity, “Someone asked me today in the media, ‘People are curious, what does Mike Johnson think about any issue under the sun?’ I said, ‘Well, go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it. That’s my worldview.’” Mike drop!
7. Minority rule
No, not those minorities. Rather, their white victims.
God wants the best democracy on Earth in human history, formed in His name, with “In God We Trust” emblazoned our real versus cyber money, to be ruled by an angry white mob of 2% of Americans. Represented by Speaker St. Michael and his Chaos Caucus Apostles featuring Matt “Judas” Gaetz. (Fun name for a porch band.)
Yet according to the Gospel of Saint Donald, their MAGA flock isn’t the best America can get and proud of it, and easy marks.
God save us from MAGA God.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
