Venezuelan migrants in Martha’s Vineyard/Ray Ewing/Vineyard Gazette/Reuters

Ron DeSantis, Travel Agent of the Year

Free trip from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard? She had me at ‘Perla’!

Jeffrey Denny

Poor Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

The notoriously loving, sensitive and cheery leader of our Sunshine State is being crucified like Jesus by the fascist Socialist liberal media.

They claim DeSantis “kidnapped” tired, poor, innocent, danger-fleeing, asylum-seeking migrants from Texas and sent them to a gulag archipelago with the Orwellian name of “Martha’s Vineyard.”

This is outrageous. It’s the Socialist libs with their anti-American international asylum law that brought the migrants across the border and stranded them in Texas, promising them illegal voting for welfare paid by hard-working Americans who won’t do tough jobs immigrants will and then complain about inflation driven by the labor shortage.

Frankly, if I were an immigrant stuck in Texas, and a tall blonde woman named “Perla” approached me behind a San Antonio McDonald’s promising an all-expense trip to a resort island populated by caring humanists who believe in what the Statue of Liberty says, I’d take that deal in a heartbeat.

Sounds to me like the best timeshare pitch ever. Especially if a job was waiting for me to pay for the timeshare. All the while I’d be whistling Tom Petty’s, “You don’t … have … to live like a refugee.”

Yet unlike many horrible libs, I refuse to stereotype Texas as a terrible no good very bad place to be a nonwhite refugee and want to escape.

That’d be meaner than a mama wasp, as they say in Texas.

Unlike DeSantis fans in Florida, not every Texan is an ignorant, bigoted, nativist, heavily armed, book-burning, history-denying, J6 insurrectionist yahoo and proud that he’s dumber than a barrel of hair.

In fact, word tell, millions of Texans are decent people who are ashamed of the millions of Texans who aren’t.

Yet there’s something fine as frog fur about Texas.

When Tennessee native Davy Crockett failed to land a job in Washington, DC, after losing an election bid to represent Tennessee in Congress, he graciously conceded, “You may all go to hell and I will go to Texas.” Where he was killed. In San Antonio, fighting Mexicans. Like Ron DeSantis, although quite alive, who has trumped Texas Governor Greg Abbott as the Trumpiest anti-immigrant on Abbott’s own turf.

That’s braver than the first man who ate an oyster in a boomtown saloon.

Not to mess with Texas, but frankly, it seems like hell to me.

Both have many oil, real estate and construction bajillionaires driving massive luxury 12 mpg $100,000 pickups and $150,000 Range Rovers they don’t use for hauling or safari.

Hell and Texas are both places where devoted Christians disgrace Jesus for the love of Trump. They both celebrate the seven deadly sins, especially pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony and wrath. They both deny climate change, Trump’s election defeat, and that getting work done to look 35 at 65 isn’t fooling anyone.

Texas also has a lot of Trump Republicans. Hell is laying out the red carpet.

Texas and Martha’s Vineyard are quite different.

The Vineyard has warm, dewy, refreshing sea breezes interspersed with wonderfully endless, horrible winters with icy violent Nor’easters.

In Texas, it’s hellishly 10,000 degrees in the shade with 500% humidity year ‘round, which makes its legendary power and a/c outages — in a state built on producing energy — prove your manhood.

(Or womanhood, if you’re like “Perla” and Texas-tough enough to hornswoggle poor innocent desperate people to use them as collateral damage to prank the libs and thrill despicable MAGAs.)

I’ve also heard tell, “There ain’t nothing good on the ground in Texas.”

This means Texas offers a dazzling array of poisonous spiders, scorpions and snakes that can crawl into your $2,400 hand-tooled two-step boots overnight and potentially kill you when you put them on in the morning.

There’s nothing like that on Martha’s Vineyard. Although the home prices and restaurant checks can kill your budget.

There are many other reasons why the DeSantis Refugees were lucky to be sent from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard.

On the Vineyard:

· You don’t need $2,400 hand-tooled boots, a Ferragamo bag, or a Hermes/Dolce/Balenciaga/Bottega Venatta outfit to look rich. In fact, you’ll look stupider than hip pockets on a hog. Old busted Sperry Topsiders and chinos with a threadbare Brooks Bros. polo will get you past the snootiest maître d’.

· History teachers are encouraged to teach real American history uncensored by dumbass fragile whites who use school boards and children to channel their racism and fear of replacement.

· Doctors, hospitals, and healthcare workers are regarded as heroes when they respect medical science and pull out the stops to save lives from a deadly pandemic. There’s a flinty tendency on the Vineyard to respect facts and see through internet lies meant to sucker fools for money.

· Vineyard people tend to love books, not ban them. They live and let live, respect LGBTQ2S+, and don’t groom kids to be ignorant haters.

· “Woke” isn’t a sneering insult in a cynical culture war by Trump politicians and millionaire Fox “personalities” to incite poor rubes for money and political gain. At bottom it means respect.

· On the Vineyard, you don’t have to worry that some preening open-carry Neanderthal who’s drunk as Cooter Brown will take the law into his own hands.

· As part of New England, the Vineyard has a strain of that Yankee “Live Free or Die” and “Don’t Tread on Me” which, like in Kansas, applies to fighting government tyranny over our private lives. Unlike in Texas, for instance, Vineyard residents can visit their doctor without being stalked by ninnies and ratted out to the reproduction gestapo.

On the other hand, Texas has much better Tex-Mex. You know, because of immigrants. Even the chickens under the porch know that. If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.

Thanks to Texas Monthly for the Texas sayin’s.

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A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.

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Jeffrey Denny

Jeffrey Denny

A Pullet Surprise-winning writer who always appreciates free chicken.