Set MAGAs free!
Don’t let the door hit ’em where the Good Lord split ‘em
“We need a national divorce.”
Thus spake the Voice of Real America, U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-MAGA).
In a tweet heard ‘round the media, as Greene intended in grasping for attention and money, she declared, “We need to separate by red states and blue states and shrink the federal government. Everyone I talk to says this. From the sick and disgusting woke culture issues shoved down our throats to the Democrat’s traitorous America Last policies, we are done.”
“Everyone” Greene talks to sounds just as enlightened as she is. Seriously — her idea is brilliant. She’s bridging our divides and bringing America together, MAGAs and liberals in common cause, as both would adore a permanent time out. Win-win!
The secession shouldn’t be clunky Civil War-style state by state, however. Many states — like Greene’s Georgia — are mixed red and blue. Plus, geographic borders are a relic erased by the internet, global commerce and dictators.
A better split would secede Red Bubbles, zip codes that still love Trump, from Blue Bubbles, zip codes where democracy, decency, diversity and progress make America greater.
Red and Blue Bubble people rarely meet in real life anyway. Except as frightened tourists the locals laugh at.
A Red-Blue Bubble secession would be like all great divorces.
Like Johnny Depp-Amber Heard, each party could walk away celebrating how they defeated the other. It’s a form of “conscious uncoupling.”
The Blue Bubbles, call them the United States of America, would be freed from the vexing Red Bubbles. Such as being relieved of the Red Bubble drag on taxpayers as they take more from government than they pay, while hating government.
Blue Bubbles also will be freed of the constant stress, anxiety and hand-wringing about the Red Bubble’s toxic, triggering, traumatizing, destruction of American values, what we stand for, the light we bring the world, and what makes us great and exceptional.
Instead of expending blood, toil, tears and sweat over the MAGA scourge and their craven GOP handmaidens, Blue Bubbles could focus on fighting within over who’s not woke enough.
The Red Bubbles would come out even better.
Call them the Confederacy of Trump.
Secession would set MAGAs free to declare their God-given right to say and do whatever they damn well please, whoever it hurts, including themselves, devil take the hindmost. Without being shamed by the elite Democrat liberal Socialist thought police.
For instance, the Red Bubbles would have the right to:
1. Express their free-speech hate on social media without the social media companies canceling them to avoid lawsuits for letting haters spread hate.
2. Spread conspiracy theories and outright intentionally malicious lies, slander, defamation and libel without being canceled by the liberal media. Even spread disinformation about a deadly pandemic, and spread the virus itself, by denying its existence, the safeguards and the cure.
3. Cancel “cancel culture.”
4. Cancel elite Democrat liberal Socialist propaganda such as “woke” and “peer-reviewed scientific facts.”
5. Cancel BLM, CRT, and Black history to protect White children from hating themselves instead of non-White Americans. Declare Caucasian the Official State Race and Official Flesh Crayola Crayon.
6. Cancel LGBTQIA2S+. Declare “man” and “woman” as Official State Genders and “physical love” between “man” and “wife” as Official State Sexual Activity. Cancel any unauthorized sexual activity or identity, especially as depicted by irresistible candy such as M&Ms to confuse and indoctrinate precious innocent children. Plain M&Ms are ok but Peanut raises questions.
7. Cancel hateful media exposure of Confederacy officials who secretly enjoy unauthorized sexual activities and sexy candy. Help them pray away the LGBTQIA2S+ and diabetes.
8. Cancel contraception and freedom from government control of privacy and declare life begins with a kiss (invited or resisted). Appoint The Honorable Senator Lindsey Graham as Trump Minister of Immaculate Conception.
9. Cancel all other religions to establish White Southern Baptist Megachurch Trump-loving Christianity as the Official State Religion that loves Jesus almost as much as Trump. Outlaw fake Christians such as Catholics and Episcopalians that don’t worship Jesus the right way. Cast out non-Christians such as U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders and Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib and their fellow infidels.
10. Cancel Democrat pedophiles. Appoint The Honorable Congressman Matt Gaetz as Trump Minister of Pedophilia.
11. Cancel the free press and mainstream media. Establish an Official State Media that supports the Official State Truth, beliefs and biases, outrage addiction, and White male victimhood.
12. Cancel legendary news anchor Walter Cronkite, “the most trusted man in America,” from the history books. Replace him with Trump Minister for Public Enlightenment Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson.
13. Cancel all school books and curriculum that trigger the Official State Genders of the Official State Race who belong to the Official State Religion and bless the Official State Sexual Activity, even in the breach. To protect precious innocent children from becoming elite Democrat liberal Socialists.
14. Cancel the U.S. Constitution and make autocracy the Official Form of Government and Trump President for Life. Eliminate the liberal rule of law, tripartite government checks and balances, and habeas corpus that guarantees justice. Move the Second Amendment to first, ban all gun laws, and conscript every able-bodied man, woman and child into the volkssturm, geheime staatspolizei or bürgerinformanten to enforce Trump Law.
15. Cancel DEI and affirmative action as racist against the Official State Race and declare Black Americans a hate group that Caucasian people should get the hell away from. Appoint Scott “Dilbert” Adams as Trump Minister of Racial Antipathy.
16. Cancel Hunter Biden! Extradite and declare Biden an Enemy of the Trump State and execute him by firing squad on the King of Official Late Night, “Gutfeld!” Gutfeld would literally kill.
17. Cancel citizenship for anyone who is college-indoctrinated, knowledgeable, expert, and worst of all, worries that fossil fuels are causing climate change like typical elite Democrat liberal Socialists. Exile them to Blue America where they’re welcome.
18. Finally, Build that Wall. Walls, actually. Around the Red Bubbles. To keep the Democrat Socialist liberals out. Even better for America, to keep the MAGAs in.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.