Seven tips for better breakups
’Cause breaking up is hard to do
Jeffrey Denny
Many singles yearn to know how to land an amazing, fulfilling relationship, complete with the internet top-ten qualities of an amazing, fulfilling relationship.
Even couples dealing with internet top-ten signs of a bad relationship they’re stuck with out of laziness or fear of loneliness want advice on how to make them work.
All relationships — good or bad — need work, we’re told. From having a wonderful rescue pet that attacks you, to a challenging hobby like découpage, to having a spouse who loves/hates you.
Because it’s human to want to be with someone — so I’ve heard — dating apps and relationship advice have become multi-billion dollar industries, behind only Wall Street, Walmart, Amazon, local hoppy micro-brew IPAs and the Military Industrial Complex.
Countless Huffington Post “Love and Relationships” articles appear on my Facebook feed, maybe because I obsessively click on them. HuffPo has dedicated relationship reporters and editors who provide awesome advice in spite of having little to no life or therapeutic experience, such as “senior lifestyle reporter Brittany Wong,” age 31, “covering mostly love, sex and relationships.” At 62, I’m desperate to learn from Millennial wisdom delivered with supreme confidence that comes with not knowing what you don’t know.
As for dating sites, if you didn’t know, Match.com is part of IAC — InterActiveCorp — which sounds made up by a struggling Hollywood screenwriter depicting an evil, secretive robot-run corporation dumping centillions of nanobots into our aquifers to enslave humanity. My agent is shopping this pitch and we’re excited by the nibbles, even if most are from Hollywood bots not the usual snotties.
In actuality, IAC brags to own internet and media brands across 100 countries that include OkCupid, PlentyOfFish and Tinder. So … not far from my Hollywood pitch.
IAC just reported $1.2 billion in second-quarter 2019 revenues, about $12 million every day and nearly half from Match. That’s right: Single and cheating married people paid Match almost $500 million this summer to connect online and then be crestfallen after meeting and being depressed and sooo done with the online dating thing but not.
Meanwhile, aside from the many billionaire couples therapists, there’s no major industry sector helping people with the toughest relationship challenge of all: breaking up.
Helping couples break up not only would expand, enhance and enrich the relationship industry value stream, it might even help people.
You think getting into a relationship is hard? You meet, have drinks, tell life stories, laugh, flirt, sleep together and boom: relationship.
Getting out of relationships is harder and less fun. If you care about people’s feelings — good luck with that! — you need to have difficult, awkward conversations. Like ignoring the “severe tire damage” warnings on rental car returns, backing out of relationships can take several hours of your life.
Some breakups last even longer because the breakee demands the “honest truth” from the breaker for “closure.” This can torture the breaker to say things the breakee doesn’t want to know. To reference the pivotal scene in “A Few Good Men”:
Her: Why am I breaking up with you? You want answers?
Him: I think I’m entitled to them.
Her: You want answers?!
Him: I want the truth!
Her: You can’t handle the truth! You always smell like goat cheese! And not in a good way! Ew!
Here’s where my brilliant VC pitch comes in.
I call it “UnMatch.com,” which my IP lawyers are filing patents/copyrights for and venture capitalists are soaking their woolen AllBirds with drool to give me millions and take public for billions and then lose billions.
UnMatch.com helps couples break up effectively, avoid the backslide and never see each other again even as friends w/ or w/out benz.
The UnMatch team, i.e., me, is leveraging seven proven breakup derived from experience as well as fake data wrangling, AI, machine learning and actual sorrow:
1. Make it about you.
The old “It’s not you, it’s me” still works. Even more!
You’re stupid, damaged, flawed, unworthy and have obvious self-esteem issues. Nobody doubts that. But now not just from the traditional mommy/daddy Freudian stuff, but 21st century psychological new family stuff explored in a heartwarming, tear-jerking way by “This is Us.”
I haven’t seen “This is Us” but can’t imagine there’s not a character who lacks self love and so can’t love someone who loves they. Be that character, even if you think you’re awesome and adore yourself. You can lie to add “liar” to your red-flag deal-breakers.
2. Make it political.
You love Trump. She hates Trump. Angry sex inspired by the daily fresh Trump assault making America worse can be naughty fun and keep the relationship fresh. But state the obvious that Trump love/hate is far from the healthiest long-term relationship-builder.
3. Make it about family.
Your beloved great aunt can’t get over how her beloved great aunt deeply insulted everyone by asking why “Jewish food,” such as bagels and smoked trout, needed to be served at a family baptism and christening party instead of the traditional Planter’s party nut mix that builds hunger to respect Jesus.
“Blood is thicker than water,” you say, without knowing what the hell that means.
4. Over-blow everything.
Bring major relationship meaning to every minor issue. For example, “what kind of person would load the dishwasher that way? What kind of damaged person am I to want to be with someone who is so damaged?”
5. Cheat.
No, you don’t have to go “all the way” with a former lover or a flirty colleague/neighbor/relative/fellow bus commuter. Even fully clothed non-contact fantasized “emotional cheating” can work. Merely express you were thrilled by the idea of getting with the bus guy.
6. Go walkabout.
In Australia, “going walkabout” is a rite of passage where teens live in the wilderness for six months for spiritual and traditional transition into manhood.
For breakups, it means ghosting your mate for days, weeks and months; moving out of your home and city lest he or she show up; not returning texts, calls, emails, clothing and grooming unguents left at your place; writing off loans; and, most of all, Facebook unfriending.
7. Bring out your worst.
Let go. Be yourself. Completely. Leave wet towels and dirty laundry about, the toilet seat up and specked, dishes piling, and groceries un-bought.
Also, insult mate’s family and friends with your powerful yet uninformed political opinions. Or sport your most comfortable wardrobe for every occasion, even black-tie opera, consisting entirely of free tee shirts and one pair of fetid jeans.
Bring it home by righteously defending why you have no job, income or money because you have better morals than grasping capitalists. Be you and do you!
***
These seven proven breakup strategies might not work at first.
Your mate might complain incessantly until it’s just background noise, or try to fix you, or accept you for who you are, or seek couples therapy, or otherwise try to make the relationship work. But eventually they’ll leave you and get on Match to find someone better.
Hahaha, you can say with texted emojis, good luck!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
