Seven tips for third marriages
Three’s a charm
Jeffrey Denny
A close friend just married at age 67.
It was his third try at forever wedded bliss as his life counted down to certain dementia before death. Like Donald did with Melania, or “Donlania” as the tabloids dubbed them.
Oscar Wilde quipped, “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
Unless you’re smarter than everyone like Trump, third marriage is a triumph of Key Performance Indicators and Learnings from previous marriages to:
- Identify areas for improvement by analyzing what went well and what could have been done better;
- Reflect on experience to improve skills and knowledge;
- Develop strategies to avoid repeating mistakes to reduce risks; and,
- Improve outcomes and ensure continuous improvement.
The IBM AI-powered Chatbot for HR can help third marriages significantly exceed expectations.
Eighth marriages vowed by Larry King, Mickey Rooney, Lana Turner and Elizabeth Taylor (the original Tay-Tay) are triumphs of cognitive dissonance, celebrity, wealth and reconsidering vows as events unfold.
The late Zsa Zsa Gabor topped the celebrity marriage chart at nine tries. But even Odysseus would need to strap to the mast to resist such a pulchritudinous Hungarian siren who went by Zsa Zsa.
Marrying a third time late in life is a triumph of the spouse’s imagination and hope over their intelligence and experience.
So I gave my old friend modern advice about how to keep his fresh spouse on the irrational dream track.
1. Talk like Gen Z
Sinatra sang, “Fairytales can come true, it can happen to you/If you’re young at heart.”
Since spouse undoubtedly is smart and raised even smarter teens who raised them like rescue dogs rescued their rescuers, she’ll understand their fleeting slang such as “suss” and “GOAT.” Also their zero grammar, punctuation, syntax or sentence structure to communicate what they mean, and if you dare to politely seek clarification, they eyeroll “duh!”
So keep things spicy by tossing in terms such as sigma, skibidi, delulu, Ohio, rizzer, cap, gyat and magging so you seem gucci.
2. Appease like Chamberlain
If spouse wants to Lebensraum territorial seize and expand her Reich of the bathroom tub and counter with a myriad plethora of hydrating and replenishing anti-aging washes, scrubs, salves, serums, unguents and color-last shampoos and conditioners — and even a toothbrush — let her like Vichy France.
3. Respect their selected spouse term
Let go of the old patriarchal misogynist Trumpy gendered labels like Trumpers let go of traditional American values. Recognize that “husband” and “wife” are skibidi delulu Ohio rizz cringe.
If spouse identifies as “legalized friend with defined benefits and obligations as specified and set forth in marriage contract,” “pajama buddy” or even “Snuggleupagus,” go with it to avoid erasing their agency.
4. Don’t mind being wrong
Everyone’s wrong some of the time. Unless they repeat what Fox News is saying.
A recent study by the Harvard School of Gender Studies proved that “men” — especially Midwestern straight white “men” who identify with Tim Walz but vote Trump because they fear strong women, especially the Black ones— are wrong nearly 500% of the time.
Elton John sang, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” It’s even harder for dumbass straight white “men” identifying with Trump to admit they’re wrong. But it’s a personal growth opportunity.
5. Imagine linens
Clinging to aging, discolored, threadbare Ikea sheets and pillowcases enjoyed or ignored as a single divorced person would disrespect the spouse’s agency that is terrorized, traumatized and made anxious by spending eight hours a night for the rest of their life on anything less than 1,000 thread-count Italian sateen. Or anything a former spouse slept on.
Also ponder how you ever survived without matching shams, coverlet and duvet cover and not knowing what these or sateen are.
6. Indulge new furniture and furnishings
Avoid suggesting that the shared marriage home looks fine with your decades of accumulated, combined, cringy basic stuff. You don’t have to identify as a TikTok beauty influencer to know it’s not mindful or demure with a refined, subtle elegance.
7. See things their way
For instance, you can stop worrying about complicated recycling, driving EV, eating vegan or climate altogether, racial equality, LGBTQ+ rights, 27 genders and proper pronouns, government dictating reproduction, children shot at school, refugees fleeing to America, democracy or other Americans if spouse is a Fox-addicted Trumper who doesn’t give a healthy about other people or America.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
