Shocking exposé: AI runs Facebook
Facebook is in a poopy-Pamper load of trouble.
“Zuckerberg chose growth over safety,” The Washington Post banner headline screamed the obvious. “CEO pushed for dominance at all costs. Reports allege hardline ethos led to bad outcomes.”
As the Post recounted, Zuckerberg’s claims often conflict with internal research. Also, Facebook dropped its guard before the Jan. 6 insurrection, fails to effectively police content in much of the world, and chooses maximum engagement over user safety.
Zuckerberg — no surprise — also tortures beagles like Dr. Fauci-Mengele while Facebook gives nasty, angry, hateful, misinformed, Fox-drunk, conspiracy-addled, maladjusted adult children a platform to prove their ignorance beyond a reasonable doubt. Such as failing in grade-school grammar, punctuation and usage, let alone high school civics and basic human decency.
Even more frightening, worse than even Hillary’s Deep State Government®, Facebook sees you when you are sleeping, it knows when you’re awake, so you better watch out or you’ll “coincidentally” get Facebook ads for Charmin® saying “Enjoy The Go!” while you’re visiting the loo and looking at your iPhone®. But not if you’re taking a bio-break from patriotically insurrecting, which is private.
We all agree Facebook is terrible, horrible, no good and very bad.
It’s destroying our democracy, society, comity, consensus, the U.S. Congress, adult congress, and e pluribus unum.
Facebook is altogether the worst thing since sliced Wonder Bread®.
At the same time Facebook was being attacked by stupid Washington politicians, however, a counter-narrative was unfolding in the financial media. As CNBC reported: “Facebook shares rise as investors focus on earnings beat and look past whistleblower document dump.”
So, yep, with Facebook stock now at $315, I should have loaded up when it opened at $38 ten years ago.
Where was my financial advisor I don’t have? Instead of sitting here pounding out this pathetic screed that nobody will read, I could be jetting in my private Cessna to lunch on endangered black-footed ferrets with Richard Branson at his luxury island resort where we’ll hoot about Jeff Bezos vomiting in space and bitch about the stupid Democrat billionaire tax hike intended to help poor Trumpers who made us rich.
While we despise the despicable Facebook, like we do Amazon and the internet in general, we suffer what Jack Twist/Jake Gyllenhaal confessed to Ennis Del Mar/Heath Ledger in “Brokeback Mountain”: “I wish I knew how to quit you.”
Last year in a pandemic-addled snit I did quit a beloved family member on Facebook when she and her Facebook friends kept sharing hateful thoughts about Democrats like me.
While they made me feel bad, their truth-telling helped me realize they were right: Maybe I am a stupid brainwashed liberal who swallows and regurgitates left-wing propaganda such as Covid vaxing, not like a smart Trumpy free-thinker who swallows and regurgitates right-wing propaganda such as opposing Covid vaxing.
I’m now toying with quitting Facebook altogether.
Not because of my unhealthy addiction, but mostly — is it just my native ignorance, doddering dotage, old White Western privileged maleness, or failure to keep up with the youthfully pretentious hipster, woke, HuffPo righteous slams on saying the wrong thing, or terminology such as “cheugy”? — Facebook has lost me.
I have no idea anymore what many posts on my Facebook mean.
I toss and turn during many tortured sleepless nights wondering whether I should give a crap. About Facebook, I mean.
Worse, posts on my Facebook increasingly make me wonder whether I’m losing my mind because they sound awfully like AI data-wrangling, machine-learning algorithms playing Mad Libs in a way that’s intended to drive libs mad, and feed outrage addiction.
Or maybe the Facebook posts are just bots gone wild like frat boys raping on spring break or MAGAs rallying for Trump during Covid.
To illustrate, and mind you, these are real posts on my Facebook that could only have been assembled by AI bots and robots posing as human:
· If you’ve ever wanted to know what it feels like to have the perfect ombré skin of a dolphin’s head, your prayers have been answered. Dolphin head is our latest color available on Miklos, D28, Bixby and Porgy frame style.
· The trio dropped the bombshell revelation while accepting the prestigious Planeta literary prize in front of King Felipe VI of Spain.
· Anna Cathcart, who portrayed teen matchmaker Kitty Song Covey in the streamer’s YA trilogy adaptation opposite Lana Condor, will reprise her role in the dramedy “Xo, Kitty.”
· Actor (among other talents) David Duchovny’s grandfather was a famous Yiddish writer. This story underlines why archivists are so important.
· Conservative pundit Dennis Prager announced Monday that he had COVID-19, and told his audience that he contracted it on purpose.
· Only a genius can solve this mathematical equation: 2+2=x. I’ll wait.
· The MINI Electric electrifies every street. Starting at under $30,000.
· Christopher Steele says he thinks the infamous golden showers tape is real — and shared why he believes Russia hasn’t released it.
· The “Harry Potter” alum sported a daring and sustainable ensemble at the inaugural awards ceremony for the Earthshot Prize.
· My Husband Papi Chulo. His Date nights are the best 🥂 #datingmarried #internationalanniversary #anniversarytrip #marriageworks
· The achievement of an organization are the result of the combine efforts of an individual. Happy 48th anniversary to all brothers and sisters our beloved skeptron fraternity and sorority mahabang buhay po sating lahat…CONCEPCION SKEPTRON TARLAC COUNCIL(CSTC) isang bagsak…🤟🤟🤟
· New from Caddis: The Muzzy Reader. Never lost a science fair or a beauty contest. Available in Gloss Black, Polished Gopher, Heritage Green and Minor Blues. Got mine today! I like that they’re chunky. That’s my fourth different pair, each with its own unique style. ✨
· The former president tried citing executive privilege in his attempt to keep information out of the hands of those investigating the insurrection.
None of this Facebook stuff makes any sense to me.
But as a stupid liberal, if it makes sense to you, I couldn’t respect more.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.