Stumping Alexa
Asking questions even “she” can’t answer
Jeffrey Denny
Bored to extreme existential ennui on an ice-rainy pre-post Covid quarantining January Sunday afternoon, I thought of a few provocative questions to ask Alexa.
I didn’t get good answers. Maybe you’ll have better luck:
Alexa, are invisible fences the biggest scam ever?
And how would anyone know?
Alexa, are you embarrassed to be working for Amazon?
As I explained to Alexa, everyone hates Amazon.
Progressives hate Amazon because it hurts workers, small businesses, and the planet by feeding consumerist capitalist greed materialism addiction to disposable, often petroleum-derived clothing and other stuff at low, low prices delivered overnight.
Like planet-friendly Patagonia’s “Durable, Multifunctional Clothing and Gear for Outdoor and Active Pursuits,” made from polyester and nylon.
Meanwhile, MAGAs hate Amazon because Jeff Bezos is a Deep State liberal George Soros wannabe bankrolling the lying mainstream Democrat Socialist propaganda media Washington Post to control free-thinking Americans.
MAGAs and Progressives find common cause in hating Jeff Bezos when he fails to deliver their Amazon orders when promised, although MAGAs blame Biden for the historic supply-chain crisis, gas prices, Covid mandates, and being four years older than Trump.
If everyone right and left hates Amazon, I asked Alexa, then why is everyone still shopping bigtime on Amazon? There can’t be enough moderates or people who don’t care about politics to fuel Amazon’s nearly $400 billion in 2020 earnings and give or take in 2021.
Alexa, what is this “Pete Davidson” that’s destroying the internet as we know it, and why?
Why am I the only one who doesn’t know or care why everyone knows or cares?
Alexa, do people who are prescribed COSENTYX® still need to be warned by incessant COSENTYX® ads not to take COSENTYX® if they’re allergic to COSENTYX®?
Are they offended by the condescension, or do they chortle at it?
Or do they need a deadly allergic episode after denying the COSENTYX® warnings to not take COSENTYX® if they’re allergic because they trusted their internet “research” more than their doctors?
Alexa, does mad flirting with a “customer service” rep help you get the “customer service” you need and deserve for paying their companies a lot of money?
For example, could sweet-talking the Verizon “customer service” rep you managed to get on the phone after only three days on hold because they’re busy helping other customers help you shave a big $20 savings off your monthly Fios Triple Play bill if you sign up for another three years?
Could you also get free Disney+ for six months without being automatically charged for it after six months unless you spend another three days on hold with a Verizon “customer service” rep to stop the charge?
Or is it better to shut down all your bank and credit card accounts and move to the British Virgin Islands where your money can’t be touched by the Verizon authorities? (Yet.)
Alexa, are “Karens” always wrong?
(Except of course the racist ones?)
How about when Karens heroically fight “customer service” on behalf of all consumers? Like when Verizon “customer service” reps refuse to knock $20 off your Fios Triple Play monthly bill in spite of your mad flirting?
“Karen” also happens to be male name. Why do men always get a pass for horrible behavior that women get slammed for as “bitchy”?
Anyway, who the hell names their newborn “Karen” — male, female or nonbinary — anymore? Unless they want their kid to grow to be like a Karen? Are they so frustrated with “customer service” they want to make a proud revolutionary statement by raising another Karen?
Alexa, why would any American patriot defend, deny, or deflect the violent J6 Capitol riot assault on our democracy?
How could anyone who cares about America, Blue Lives, law and order, and justice say, “let it go, libs, it was a long time ago”? Even though J6 was only a year ago and before all the facts have been collected and presented and perps brought to justice?
How could anyone with any sense still swallow the lies about the stolen election or FBI or Deep State J6 conspiracies? Or deflect to “what about Antifa and BLM?”
Or attack the Democrats or President Biden for “politicizing” the worst political attack on America by Americans since the last major act of treason, sedition and subversive activities leading to our bloody Civil War to protect slavery? (And then Jim Crow and decades of ongoing legal, overt, covert, structural, systemic and social racism and brutality bleeding into this day?)
Are J6 defenders, deniers and deflectors simply horrible, hateful, ignorant, bigoted, bullheaded suckers of the shamelessly craven, money-grubbing right-wing media, internet bottom feeders, Donald Trump and his grifter mob?
Or are diehard Trump believers, like many authoritarian victims throughout human history, simply sad damaged people we should pity for their broken brains, hearts and souls? (Or fear when they’re empowered?)
Alexa, why do over 70% of Republicans still believe Biden stole the election from Trump?
How can seditious Republicans in Congress still serve in office instead of, perhaps, in prison? What happened to the old GOP, the law-and-order, guardian of American values party, that now puts Trump and power above country and Constitution?
Alexa, what should God do about vax deniers?
What the hell is God supposed to tell his evangelical Christians who put Trump over Him, refused His Covid vaccinations, and spread the pandemic to sicken and kill other God’s children? And then died from the Covid, testing and breaking the hearts of their loved ones, and show up at the Pearly Gates seeking God’s welcome and eternal love?
If I were God, I would say, “Jesus H. Christ — what in My Name is wrong with you?”
I didn’t mean for my Amazon Echo start sparking, smoking, and then explode.
But I didn’t mind.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
