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Ten relationship tips from the Mueller report

Jeffrey Denny

Guys: Have you ever struggled or felt shame when your beloved has suspected or caught you doing terrible things, betraying her trust and your relationship?

If so, the Trump/GOP response to the Mueller Report can help you turn the tables on your mate.

Whatever your darkest secrets and dirtiest deeds, however clear and insurmountable the evidence of your wrongdoing, even if possibly criminal, the message from the Trump defense is: Be you.

Forget all the Imago relational healing sessions that transform conflict into opportunities for growth as individuals and couples. The powerfully truthy Trump defense to the Mueller report offers helpier tips for all husbands and boyfriends:

1. If your mate has documented proof you welcomed and tried six ways from Sunday to have a shameful affair that compromised you, your family and everyone, but in the end you only flirted big time, then the affair doesn’t matter. It never happened. Your mate needs to let it go like Elsa.

2.Never say anything that sounds defensively lawyerly like, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Don’t be like the Clintons. Say nothing that would raise questions about your unimpeachable morals or behavior. Say anything to make your misdeeds go away that works for your family and friends who love you even if —sometimes especially if — you’re a big lying cheating scoundrel.

3.Declare there’s not enough proof of your mate’s documented allegations to convince even a federal court or the U.S. Supreme Court that you knowingly did anything wrong. If mate is a lawyer, she’ll get that, and love/hate you even more for playing your cards well. If mate is not a lawyer, you definitely can win by confusing her with lawyer stuff.

4. Keep a thick black Sharpie close by in case your mate hands you a stack of printouts compiling your icky torrid emails and texts that prove your betrayal. What you can black out never happened and it’s nobody’s business if it did. Which it didn’t.

5. If the facts don’t exonerate you, then declare complete, unmitigated exoneration. Say “exoneration” over and over to make it believable as if your mate is Cletus Spuckler, the Simpsons’ slack-jawed yokel. Best if she wants to believe whatever you say.

6. If your mate can prove you lied, tell her your lie was not a lie but a “slip of the tongue.” Never admit or apologize for lying. Get huffy and counterattack with such like, “It was the heat of the moment. It wasn’t a scripted talking point. I’m sorry I’m not a robot like you.”

7. When your mate is dumbfounded, stupefied into silence, searching for words to respond to your lies, you can “own her” even more by questioning her motives in questioning you.

8. To wit, a great offense always beats the best defense like [fill in latest NFL, NBA, NCAA champions.] Call her questions, however legit, an “illegal take-down that failed” but “case closed” and “game over.” Stomp it home by channeling Kellyanne Conway’s smarmy, self-delighted, winking riposte that you will accept her apologies if she can summon the grace to offer them.

9. Rejoice in your vindication and score any arguments as a “win,” a great day for you, the best day since you met.

10.Most of all, the old Erich Segal novel and Ali MacGraw/Ryan O’Neill movie was right: Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

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