12 reasons being a #MAGA is hard
I’m someone they talk about a lot in Washington but you hardly ever see there:
I’m the Trump base. The red-hat #MAGA. The 25 percenters in the tank for Trump.
I’m not the old Nixon silent majority. I’m the new angry white minority demanding respect for my identity, loud and proud, get used to it. I’m the most patriotic American, waving, saluting and defending the flag like nobody else.
I’m not only Making America Great Again, I’m going to Keep America Great in 2020 by sticking with Trump no matter what he says or does or Mueller’s witch hunt finds.
I don’t give a damn if Trump colluded with Russia, or if Trump took Russian mob money, or if Trump is Putin’s Manchurian Candidate, or if he’s hiding illegal business stuff. I don’t care about his tax returns or payoffs to porn stars. Or if he said the N word. My grandfather said it and he was a good man too.
I don’t care if even Republicans say Trump is making a shambles of the presidency and the country, or that the White House is an ongoing reality show disaster, or that he lacks basic decency or honesty, or if he’s setting a despicable tone that is dividing the country. I like all of his nasty stuff. That’s why he does it. For me, his base.
And if Trump makes 75 percent of America angry or scared or horrified or embarrassed, ROFLMFA! It’s kinda fun tearing things down and pissing off those arrogant elite liberals.
Most of all, Trump is like a son to me. I love Trump no matter what. That’s what true love is — unconditional. So I’ll defend whatever crazy stuff he says or does. If loving Trump is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
But loving Trump sure ain’t easy.
Sometimes I wonder: Why is everybody always pickin’ on me?
It’s hard enough running the country, now that we’re in control of the White House, Congress, the Supreme Court and most state governments too.
It’s even harder when the Trump-deranged liberal smartypants snowflakes and their fake news mainstream media condescend and criticize us.
And do you think it’s easy posting a daily stream of hateful, misspelled and ungrammatical comments about how hateful and stupid liberals are? Not to mention finding the perfect sarcastic memes and whataboutisms blaming the Clintons, Obama, Antifa, CNN, Maxine Waters, college professors and students, the radical leftists taking over the Democrat Party and other Trump critics? And also holding Bill Maher, Michelle Wolf and other political comedians to higher standards of decency than the President of the United States.
As the Russians know full well, trolling for Trump takes a lot of hard work.
With all of these challenges, we here in Trump’s America also have to deal with a bigger problem: Our internal conflicts.
There’s a lot about loving Trump that’s hard to square up and be logically consistent. It’s emotionally painful and can even wrack the soul.
For the sake of healing, I would like to express just the top 12 toughest internal contradictions that we MAGAs face:
1.We hate the mainstream media.
As the president says, except for #1 media network Fox, the media is the enemy of the state and the people. We also hate Hillary because of her email, Clinton Foundation and other scandals.
The problem is that the terrible Hillary stories we love were in fact broken by the mainstream media, especially the failing New York Times and the Amazon Washington Post.
See what I’m saying? We don’t trust the mainstream media — or any media — except when it feeds what we already believe. It’s awkward to explain.
But we’ve made pretty clear: We like the facts we agree with. We hate the facts we don’t. We’re human that way.
Mostly we hate the mainstream media because it always reports the mean, nasty, ugly things Trump says and does every day. He’s insulted nearly 500 people, places and things so far, according to the Times, and he’s made more than 4,200 false or misleading claims, according to the Post.
Why does the mainstream media have to report the president’s insults and lies? We don’t care! Why doesn’t CNN just do real journalism and report how Trump is the smartest, best, most effective president in history like Fox does? Or like Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin and other successful dictators make their official state media do?
But saying that, maybe it doesn’t sound so good.
2.We hate Bernie’s “Medicare for All.”
It’s just more European liberal government socialism that will ration healthcare while sucking taxpayers dry. Millions of Canadians have died because of their universal healthcare. Most Democrats and their unholy bible, the Washington Post, don’t like Berniecare either. But we hate it more.
But thank God our parents, grandparents and someday when we turn 65 we all can depend on free government Medicare. In other words, screw Medicare for all, as long as I have Medicare for me.
This seems selfish, which hurts.
3. We hate Medicaid.
It’s just more welfare cheating by minorities and immigrants leeching off hard-working taxpaying Americans. That’s outrageous. Even though the vast majority of people enrolled in Medicaid are white.
In many states, the percentage of whites depending on Medicaid is far higher than it is for minorities, let alone immigrants. In West Virginia, a majority white state, 93 percent of Medicaid enrollees are white. So are 98 percent of folks in majority white Idaho and 88 percent in Utah.
I know: Hating Medicaid for people who aren’t white makes us sound … well, you know. But we’re not!
4. We hate Obamacare.
We love that Trump is tearing it down so he can replace it with something much better, cheaper and beautiful that also covers preexisting conditions, just like he promised.
The much better Trumpcare will be fantastic because on the whole, Trump Country is in horrible health compared with the rest of America and especially the blue Democrat districts. So we feel bad that we’re jacking up health insurance rates and healthcare costs for the country and everyone else.
5. We hate government.
Government is the worst. A bunch of lazy stupid bureaucrats feeding off hard-working taxpayer dollars sleeping at their desks until they retire on full government pensions and relax on Tahitian resort beaches sipping umbrella drinks on the hard-working taxpayer dole.
But when something bad happens, who do we call? The government.
Then we blame the government we hate, but we depend on, but we want to cut back because it’s doing a lousy job for us. It’s confusing.
Most of us are not aware of the old Woody Allen joke where the elderly women at a Catskills resort complain the food is terrible and the portions are too small.
6. We hate government regulations.
For example, we hate the liberal fascist Obama deal with the U.S. auto industry to make our cars and trucks more fuel-efficient and environmentally friendly, cheaper to drive, and competitive with foreign automakers.
So we love that Trump is reversing the deal as a favor to the U.S. automakers who don’t want the favor.
Trump says he’s making our old gas-guzzling cars and trucks safer because we’ll drive less to save money on gas. Wow — see? Trump is saving lives. Even if the logic is kind of tortured. We hate spin unless we like it.
Don’t even mention the Paris Accords and environmental regulations. The rising seas and CO2 levels, and incredibly violent fires, storms and flooding, with all the destruction and death, have nothing to do with man-made climate change we need regulations to fight. We also don’t need EPA bureaucrats telling job-creating factories not to poison our water or dump chemicals that cause cancer.
Also, many of us don’t realize that government bureaucrats don’t make regulations. Congress makes laws that require the executive branch — the president’s people — to write and enforce the regulations. Government bureaucrat-hating Republicans have controlled one or both houses of Congress for most of the past 27 years and the White House for 15 terms.
So who is responsible for the horrible government regulations we hate? Could it be … us? Did real taxpaying Americans like us demand government regulations to protect us that we hate now? The implications are unsettling.
7. We hate taxes.
Who doesn’t? Even though many of us receive way more in government services, national security, infrastructure, protections from hazards and everything else than the $10,000 the average American pays in taxes per year.
Sometimes we just don’t like when our tax money is spent on what other taxpayers want, even though that’s how democracy works.
It’s embarrassing that in many Trump districts, MAGAs are “takers” — getting more government help per person than we’ll ever pay in taxes. Even more than people in many blue liberal districts with a lot of poor minorities who we believe are takers.
But we Trump lovers can’t admit that a lot of us are takers because that would make us hypocrites, which would make it hard to call liberals hypocrites.
8. We hate immigrants.
We Trump supporters know for certain that many immigrants today are raping, law-breaking, job-taking, illegal Democrat-voting, terrorist animals from Mexico, Muslim nations and sh*t-hole countries. Trump and Fox told us so.
Even the legals are a problem. As our straight-talking, truth-telling, courageous Laura Ingraham said bravely before she walked it back fearing loss of advertising dollars, “In some parts of the country, it does seem like the America we know and love don’t exist anymore.”
That’s exactly how America must have felt when all of our Italian, Irish, German and Scandinavian grandparents came here for farm and factory jobs in the early 1900s, and built our country.
Thanks to Trump, we can forget that and openly hate the new immigrants even if our districts are 98 percent white, with few if any legal or illegal immigrants, meaning immigration doesn’t affect us whatsoever. But our obsession with immigration is not about the new ones not being white. That would make us sound, well, you know. And we’re not!
9. We hate the Washington swamp.
Especially the corrupt politicians who are bought and paid for by rich special interests.
Except if our politicians are bought and paid for by the NRA. That’s ok. The NRA is defending my right to protect myself, home and family from criminals with guns and Hillary’s gun-seizing fascist liberal government.
The NRA also helps Fox, Republican congressmen and Trump supporters like me with talking points to sneer, snark and divert when liberals whine about the latest slaughter of school children by angry white guys.
Like, what about the shootings in Chicago?!
But no, while our diversion to a non-white urban Democrat community might make us sound … you know … we’re not!
But to be completely honest, it’s getting hard to defend AR-15s when everyone, even many longtime loyal NRA members, know military-grade assault weapons are dangerous and stupid to be legal for civilians in spite of what paranoid gun nuts and self-appointed militias say.
10.We love the First Amendment.
Not as much as the Second Amendment of course, since — duh! — guns speak louder than words.
But we hate when the liberal fascist PC police try to silence us. Especially when we are just speaking our minds when we say hateful things that insult and provoke people.
And when we insult and provoke people, and they push back, we play victim and accuse them of being haters. Or we point to Maxine Waters or Antifa or comedians like Bill Maher and Michelle Wolf to prove liberals are much worse haters. Or we say, “Why can’t we disagree respectfully?” but then reserve the right to call liberals stupid because “we call ‘em as we see ‘em.”
It’s a great trick. Trump and Fox use this old schoolyard bullying tactic all the time. Our special news sources feed us plenty of ammunition to attack the liberals.
It sure is fun and exciting to bait and own the liberals. Mic drop!
And when Trump attacks the enemy-of-the-people media he invites to cover his rallies, it’s our right to scream “CNN SUCKS!” and shake our fists in a threatening way at the reporters who are just there doing their jobs.
The Founding Fathers gave us the First Amendment right to attack the media they protected with the First Amendment. Even if we don’t see the irony.
Not that any of us have the training or experience or toughness to be real journalists, which often pays less than factory work. Criticism is the classic gift that’s better to give than receive. Although we are aware of the old saying, “There has never been a statue erected to honor a critic.”
On the other hand, while we love and defend free speech, it hurts when liberal comedians insult us, like when Bill Maher called Trump events “Hillbilly Nuremberg rallies.” That’s racist white-shaming. And no, we’re not all Nazis.
11.We love law and order.
Except of course when it comes to enforcing law and order on Trump and his people and family.
On the other hand, we’re pretty clear that families crossing the Mexican border seeking asylum and also Hillary should be locked up without the whole convoluted, innocent-until-proven-guilty, due process thing that protects us, say, if we get pulled over for speeding again or our cousin’s kid was caught with illegal opioids again. Maybe the whole bunch at CNN should be arrested and locked up too. Screw the First Amendment.
But we definitely need to stop the Mueller investigation because it’s already revealing stuff we don’t want to know or care about. Plus, it’s hard to explain why we and Trump want to shut it down if there’s nothing there.
12. Most of all, in Trump We Trust.
He’s like Horton who hatched the egg: He means what he says and he says what he means. We believe everything Trump says, even when we know he’s lying, even if it makes us sound like the sheep we accuse the liberals of being.
But facts are facts: In less than two years in office, Trump already has been more effective than any president in the history of the United States. Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, Lincoln, the Roosevelts, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Reagan and the Bushes have nothing on Trump. Don’t get me started on Adams, Madison, McKinley, Monroe or James K. Polk. Sure, Bill Clinton brought peace and prosperity, but he besmirched the presidency with his bad behavior.
I don’t care what our stupid liberal history teachers taught us. Trump is the best president ever.
But I’m starting to wonder: Where’s my tax break? Where’s my beautiful healthcare? Where’s my better job and paycheck? Why are more factories closing and moving overseas? Why are prices going up because of Trump’s trade war? Why is the national debt and deficit higher under Trump? Why is North Korea still building nukes? Why are we fighting with our best and most loyal allies and kissing up to our enemy Russia that attacked our country?
Are Trump’s nasty words and actions dividing America, and even communities, families and friends, instead of trying to bring us together as great presidents do?
Sure, Fox, my alt-right media, and my Facebook feed pander to my beliefs, telling me everything’s better with Trump. And yes, I know, my sources of news and information deliberately focus on stories that feed my hatred for the despicable liberals so I’m distracted from Trump’s mayhem. I want to be. So I get it. I’m not stupid.
But I have the sneaking suspicion that I’m being played for a sucker.
So you see, we huge Trump fans are wracked with misgivings.
There’s a term for this: cognitive dissonance. As the old quote goes, it’s supposed to be the test of a first-rate intelligence to be able to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
We have first-rate minds, so we can do cognitive dissonance. But believe me, it’s not easy. So please have a little mercy. Trump is all we got.
On the other hand, if you’re a clueless libtard who needs to be schooled, we’re ready to help. Mic drop!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer