Ten tips for staying cool in Washington
The entire U.S. is gripped by a record heat wave thanks to America-hating liberals who believe humans cause climate change.
On a positive note, where politics tear us apart, suffering this heat wave together unites us as one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and sweat stains for all.
Except of course in Washington, D.C., the nation’s capital of hot air even in winter, where this heat wave is making the president’s tweets even meaner and more divisive.
But there are ways to beat the heat:
1. Visit a local bar and say you love Trump and anyone who doesn’t is the racist hater. The drinks splashed in your face will be refreshing.
2. Go ahead, jump in the lovely, enticing Reflecting Pool and Tidal Basin on the National Mall. You’re a taxpayer so it belongs to you. Being slimed by duck guano and chased down by U.S. Park Police is worth the relief.
3. If you spot Kellyanne Conway or any other White House co-conspirator you see on Fox defending Trump, kindly hand them a cold glass of iced tea or lemonade. They’re really feeling the heat. As if the hell fires licking their heels aren’t bad enough!
4. Likewise, if you see Fox personality Tucker Carlson heading home to his $4 million, 7,400-square foot mansion purchased by whipping up hate for Washington elites among real working Americans, he really needs a drink to wash down the nagging feelings of hypocrisy.
5. If you run into Hillary Clinton, do not even fantasize about throwing a bucket of water on her, not to cool her off but thinking she’ll melt like the Wicked Witch of the West and you’ll be a hero back home. Her Deep State jack-booted thugs will lock YOU up. While you may struggle to sort the difference between a 1939 musical fantasy film and reality, remember that you strongly oppose “witch hunts.” Also, stay away from a certain pizza ping-pong parlor; she’s not in the basement sex-slaving children and besides, I’ve been there — the a/c stinks.
6. If you see a large old tortoise lumbering across Constitution Avenue near the U.S. Capitol, don’t think you’re being an animal hero by stopping, picking it up and setting it free in the nearby Senate Fountain. It might be Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Although you’d definitely be a hero to late-night comedians and Chuck Schumer.
7. As a tourist, if you still believe Washington is the “murder capital of the world” led by crackhead mayor Marion Barry, then bless your heart and congrats on finally escaping your captors, but it’s not the ’80s anymore. (So also lose the mullet — it’s not even ironic-funny anymore.) More on point, avoid diving for cover or demanding the police handcuff and tase kids for dousing each other with Super Soakers. They’re not AR-15s like folks stockpile back home to fight Hillary’s liberal government jack-booted thugs who are coming to take their AR-15s.
8. Hole up at home or in hotel room with the a/c on “arctic” (pre-melting ice cap, naturally) and binge on 2019 Emmy nominees such as “Veep” but realize — spoiler alert! — it’s not real, it’s a satirical comedy about Washington and mindless entertainment like “Fox & Friends.”
9. Feel fortunate by imagining how really hot it must be in foreign places like Detroit, Minneapolis, Boston and Queens, NY, where “The Squad” of four Democratic Congresswomen should go back home to for not patriotically loving American enough and trying to make it greater. They should be roasting in hell. How dare they fulfill their Constitutional duties by challenging the president like the Founding Fathers hoped Congress and every citizen would do to protect our democracy and liberty? Also applaud the president for being brilliant in not going back to where he came from, also Queens, NY.
10. Crack open a few frosty brews or a dozen, and use this heat wave as an opportunity to develop a stronger tolerance for alcohol. The 2020 election season, like an interminable stifling heat wave with a deadly air quality index, has only just begun.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.