Ten ways to prepare for Trump’s reelection

How to stop worrying and learn to love The Donald

Jeffrey Denny

Most national polls have Joe Biden soundly trouncing Donald Trump.

But even before his majestic re-coronation, the Trump-favoring Rasmussen poll saw the race tightening.

Trump “doesn’t seem to be screwing up as expected,” a conservative analyst explained on Rasmussen Reports.

With a bar that low, Trump triumphs. The voter suppression, fanning the flames of hate and division and whipping up fear is just insurance.

So it’s best to start planning now for four more years of Trump. Ten tips:

1. Trump and his MAGA base certainly will be gracious winners. You can tell from their behavior at Trump rallies. They would never crow, gloat, bully or hoot, “suck on it, libtards!” like childish idiots. But just in case, order your 90-day Xanax prescription refills now. And keep an icepick handy for a quick, DYI lobotomy.

2. Learn to lose at hockey, stand in line for free healthcare (worth every penny), and say “-eh?” at the end of your sentences. This is in case Canada fails to build a wall against you and other American illegals flooding their Remote Area Border Crossings, swimming across icy Lake Superior, or sneaking up through Montana’s Kootenai National Forest seeking refuge and white powder skiing in Banff. And taking their maple syrup jobs.

3. Forget about fleeing to Europe. Too late. They don’t want our Covid, capitalism, cargo shorts or craving for Eat, Pray, Love journeys of self-discovery, intuitive unearthing and endless buffet. Helpful MAGAs will respectfully suggest moving to “shithole” countries “since you love those people so much.”

By the way, learn to respect MAGAs back because they’ll gladly report you to the authorities if you ever said anything bad about Trump. Especially using proper spelling, grammar and syntax, telltale signs you’re an elitist who needs his liberal-indoctrinating education reeducated.

4. Before the rush, while supplies last, stock up on hydroxychloroquine, convalescent plasma and untested vaccines for the next wave of Covid from Super Spreaders in Trump Country and on the White House lawn for Trump’s convention acceptance speech.

While extending the pandemic and causing more illness and death, Trump supporters will be pleased that at least they’ll have White Covid.

5. On a related note, if a Walmart greeter refuses to let you in without a mask, remind her that Trump granted you the liberty to not care about other people or medical science. For a viral video guaranteed to trigger the libs, scream Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s, “Free at last! Free at last! God almighty, free at last!”

6. Get guns. Not just to keep up with the McCloskeys. You can never tell the difference between unarmed peaceful BLM marchers and angry White mass shooters. Or White supremacist hate groups. Or heavily armed White militias at Unite the Right rallies, prank Antifa gatherings, or anti-shutdown assaults on state capital buildings. Better safe than sorry.

7. You can brunch without shame at McDonald’s because they’ll finally get the coveted Michelin stars and lavish Bon Appetit write-ups they so richly deserved but the kale-munching elites just didn’t get it.

Big Macs will be the Official American Snack and the spelling of hamburgers officially changed to “hamberders.”

And no more irritating “healthy choice” vegetarian options. If you don’t like food that wasn’t slaughtered, you’ll be taken out back, force fed McDonald’s Sweet BBQ Bacon Burgers and left to die of myocardial infarction.

8. Start trusting the media. Having only one official state news agency and source, Trump Media, will make it easy. The former “Enemy of the State” will be the new “BFF of the State.” No more fake news — it’ll be all too real.

9. Don’t worry about “Truth Squads” like in dictatorships that round up people who question the official alternate facts. Under U.S. Secretary of Public Enlightenment Sean Hannity, sie vill know ze truth.

10.QAnon won’t be a problem anymore because Q won’t be anonymous anymore. He’ll be White House Communications Director. Conspiracies won’t be just theories. And U.S. Secretary of State Religion and Reproduction, Jerry Falwell, Jr., will finally exorcize Beelzebub Clinton from America.

Finally, the Deep State will be rooted out and executed because Trump now is the state — as in Louis XIV l’etat c’est moi — although Mary Trump (now in exile) says he’s not very deep.

This joke makes no sense if you think about it. But let it go if you know what’s good for you. Under four more years of Trump, rational thought vill be verboten. Fine with me. Like the truth, it’ll be too disturbing anyway.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.