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The bitter soul of Ann Coulter

A gift for turning lemonade into lemons

Jeffrey Denny

Ask the Grinch: It’s not easy being a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce. Especially when you’re a political bittermeister like Ann Coulter. Even in a time of unrelenting negativity from Washington, occasionally good things do happen. Which seems to be bad news for Coulter.

With Republicans running Washington, conservatives like Coulter should be rolling in clover, thrilled to be in power and happily focused on positive change. But dwelling on the upside can’t be easy for someone who once quipped, “If we’re so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren’t they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?”

Still, it was a bit surprising that uber-Trumpista Coulter slammed President Trump’s uniquely constructive Jan. 9 open meeting with Congressional leaders seeking a bipartisan compromise on immigration policy (before the notorious “s***hole” meeting two days later).

As the Wall Street Journal described the initial conciliatory White House session, “the president said he was optimistic a deal could be struck to protect the young undocumented immigrants known as ‘Dreamers’ from deportation and improve border security,” and “remarks from members of both parties suggested a deal was possible.”

Coulter blasted the good news with a volley of snark-tweets. “This DACA lovefest confirms a main thesis of Michael Wolff’s book: When Bannon left, liberal Dems Jared, Ivanka, Cohn & Goldman Sachs took over.” And: “Nothing Michael Wolff could say about @realDonaldTrump has hurt him as much as the DACA lovefest right now.”

I don’t follow Coulter on Twitter, since I also don’t snack on broken glass or generally partake in needless pain on a voluntary basis.

So I can only imagine and invent what her response might be to other positive news. Allow me:

News: “Backtracking on part of a plan unveiled only last week, the Trump administration said it wouldn’t consider new oil and gas drilling off Florida’s coast after encountering resistance from Republicans in the state.” — Wall Street Journal

Coulter: “Next time the Saudis grab us by the cojones and gas prices hit $5, you can blame the Cubans, the Canadians and the snowbird alta cockers who need to pack up their mojitos, hockey sticks and walkers and escape back to the s***holes they came from.”

News: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s exciting engagement breathes new life into the British royal family.

Coulter: “Great — just what British Royal Family needs — diversity, dilution of the blood line and reverse family values. Markle’s divorced, biracial and American. ‘The Crown’ is necrotizing into ‘This is Us.’”

News: 2017 was the safest year for air travel in history, with zero recorded accident deaths in commercial passenger jets.

Coulter: “Lazy, stupid, overpaid government bureaucrats make flying even first class a freaking nightmare. The chardonnay is asparagus urine. They won’t serve my filet raw and bloody the way I like it. And the next kid that kicks the back of my seat, I’m going to slash, field dress, salt-brine, rotisserie and chow down on the little fucktrophy.”

News: The U.S. and world economies continued the most sustained economic expansion since the financial crash of 2008.

Coulter: “Nice job, Barry Hussein. By letting the global economy grow along with America’s, it’s just another way you’ve destroyed our greatness in the world.”

News: “Hurricanes Irma, Harvey and Maria caused terrible devastation across the Caribbean, in Florida and in Texas — but also inspired amazing acts of heroism, generosity and neighborliness.” — Washington Post

Coulter: “It’s just like the liberal fake news Post to twist any events, even the worst, into a celebration of socialism and collectivism. Why doesn’t the Post just go off and die in darkness?”

News: Researchers discovered a treatment for ALS and a device to help regrow skin for burn victims. Southwest Airlines flew a plane full of puppies to safety after Hurricane Harvey. A 30-year-old man saved dozens of lives during the deadly shooting at a music festival in Las Vegas. A woman donated all the food from her canceled $30,000 wedding to feed the homeless. A real-life Secret Santa paid for over 8,000 toys on layaway at a New Jersey Toys ‘R’ Us. — Business Insider

Coulter: *Yawn* Whatevs.

News: Brietbart fires Steve Bannon, completing his breakneck fall from political power and grace.

Coulter: Bwahaha. Bwahahaha! Bwahahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ahem. Sorry. What I meant to say is, it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer

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