The nerve of that woman
A renowned law professor and Constitutional scholar was slowly and patiently offering Congress a penetrating glimpse into the obvious, explaining that in America, the president is not a king above the law.
While her point surprised and bothered many of the president’s loyalists, all was going boringly during the House Judiciary Committee hearing, with nary a meme-able viral moment, as the professor droned with facts and reason and democracy stuff like highly educated yet stupid liberals do.
Then, suddenly, she fired a shot heard ‘round the world that rivaled the first volley in the Battle of Concord in 1775:
“While the president can name his son Barron, he can’t make him a baron,” Dr. Pamela Karlan quipped.
Across the land, frantic and breathless high dudgeon was cued. Fantods ensued. Fainting divans groaned. Smelling salt stocks led the market to an all-time high. Cardiologist appointments were scheduled and trousers filled as bowels gave way. Cultured pearls scattered and clattered across marble floors as violent clutching burst their strings.
Shocked, shocked white men turned pinker than usual, flushed over the political opportunity to bully an uppity woman, especially a self-described snarky, bisexual Jewish woman. Thesaurus.com crashed from the frenzy of searching for best synonyms for “mean,” “awful,” and “people who don’t celebrate Christmas.” Unregulated militias untrained and unready to leap from their sofas to defend our liberty from liberal tyranny donned their camo and grabbed their arsenals and sat back down to watch more Fox.
Certain that Dr. Karlan’s joke foretold that end times were nigh, survivalists dove into their bunkers to snack on stockpiled jerky while fundamentalist Christians welcomed the rapture to meet Jesus and also get away from family and neighbors who don’t love Jesus enough and also are irritating.
Stepping in with responsible, fact-based journalism to quell the crisis, Fox faces purpled, neck veins popped and spittle specked studio cameras in courageous ire usually reserved for slamming children with slaughtered classmates calling for gun control, or teens warning about climate disaster.
The bravest among Fox personalities stood out strong, as heroes always do:
Tucker Carlson: “This lady needs a shrink. What a mediocrity. What a moron.”
Sean Hannity: “Imagine carrying around that much hatred, that much resentment and anger every day of your life. Pretty sad, pretty pathetic … a psychotic individual.”
Rush Limbaugh: A “babe who is making up stories” who is “poisoned with abject hatred.”
Brian Kilmeade: An “embarrassment to her profession.”
Other notable heroes chimed in to gird our courage to fight Dr. Karlan’s assault on all we hold dear:
Henry V: “When the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger; stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with hard-favour’d rage; then lend the eye a terrible aspect; let pry through the portage of the head like the brass cannon; let the brow o’erwhelm it as fearfully as doth a galled rock o’erhang and jutty his confounded base, swill’d with the wild and wasteful ocean.”
Thomas Paine: “It is not a field of a few acres of ground, but a cause, that we are defending, and whether we defeat the enemy in one battle, or by degrees, the consequences will be the same.”
Winston Churchill: “We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind.”
The Dude: “I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.”
Meanwhile, the alt-right media and their comments sections, the dark web, Twitter, FB posts and memes that say nasty sarcastic things, even about children, screamed: “How dare this professor woman say such nasty sarcastic things, even about children?”
Many are irate that a lowly professor dared to challenge the president’s authority and perhaps most of all, his leadership in gratuitously, gleefully insulting people. The president has jeered or sneered at nearly 600 persons, places and things on Twitter alone, which cheers, excites and incites his base because they love when their president is mean.
That’s not to say the president’s supporters are mean. In fact, they’re quite sensitive. Witness how they’re morally and mortally triggered, outraged and wounded when Hillary Clinton, Maxine Waters, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley, Elizabeth Warren, Greta Thunberg and other badass women who nevertheless persist say aggressing things.
Fortunately, in their selfless courageous patriotism, the president’s supporters rose up to shame Professor Karlan with well written, cogently argued and insightful internet comments, posted anonymously out of humility. They taught this woman a lesson about real democracy today versus the highfalutin Constitution Founders stuff.
And so, the Constitutional professor slunk back to her elite liberal college bubble in Palo Alto, California, to continue indoctrinating our next generation into being socialist puppets and plotting the destruction of America instead of making it great.
One troubling question: Why did Rush Limbaugh call Dr. Karlan a “babe”? Is there something here?
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.