The Zombie Apocalypse Isn’t Funny Anymore
It’s here, it’s feared, and it’s eating beautiful brains. RAAAAUUUUGHHHH.
Except for a few ignorant jerks who typically are first to die in zombie movies — but now are threatening everyone — we all know the Zombie Apocalypse has finally arrived.
For years, we had tons of frightful fun with the countless zombie books, movies and streaming TV as the genre itself refused to die. Now we realize these were dire warnings.
At first we scoffed at the “novel coronavirus” because the zombies said don’t worry — it’s nothing. One day — like a miracle — it will disappear. It goes away in April with the heat. We’re in great shape.
Then it was too late for worrying, so here we are.
No, this is not just another socialist left-wing China-excusing political mainstream media hoax hyping the common flu to impeach the greatest president again.
If you care anything about facts — as every American does— there’s plenty of proof the zombies are winning with so much winning they’re tired of winning.
- I don’t know about you, but my brain definitely is being eaten away, as you see here.
- Many of us are acting like zombies. Shuffling around in tattered fetid clothing. Relinquishing hygiene to the point of necrosis. Forgoing the articulate spoken word for guttural, monosyllabic utterances; e.g., mate says: “You toaster waffle?” “Ugh,” you reply, “Kill you for last syrup.”
- Eating away at our quarantining family’s brains. Or perhaps going upstairs to the computer to eat the brains of Facebook friends or post “hilarious” Medium.com essays like this that seek but fail to mine the humor in a topic as serious as Covid-19.
- Good lord, have you seen yourself on Zoom? Or what the un-dead jokingly call, “Zoombie.” (Yes, even the un-dead try to be funny. Check out the latest zombie comedy acts on “Funny or UnDie,” especially Louis CK’s post-#MeToo disgrace comeback act.)
Like the Covid-19, never underestimate the zombies.
If you have even half a brain left (because the zombies were stuffed and put the rest in a Tupperware for tomorrow), you know zombies are smart because they eat brains for the same reason we eat fatty fish that’s rich in omega-3 fatty acids. That’s right: Brains are brain food. “About 60% of your brain is made of fat, and half of that fat is the omega-3 kind,” according to influencers on the zombie internet, i.e., the internet, at healthline.com.
What zombies haven’t gleaned from eating our brains they learned from our zombie books, movies and TV shows.
Forgive me if I seem “cray-cray,” as zombies say. I seem to have lost brain power on account of the Covid quarantining and not whatsoever from the zombie brain eating, as the zombies told me to say.
Yet it’s still clear why, when the zombies launched “Zombie Apocalypse 2020,” they started by spreading fake news on ZNN, the Zombie News Network, which we call “Fox News.”
The zombies knew that just a few mornings of Fox & Friends, or evenings with Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Jeanine Pirro, Lou Dobbs and other “un-dead” “personalities,” would be enough to enslave people with smaller brains that are easier grab and go, and — bonus — taste like Doritos Jacked Ranch-Dipped Hot Wings.
C’mon: Who with any brains not eaten (yet) hasn’t realized that Tucker Carlson is a complete zombie? He’s ghastly white, fails to age, and as we depend on Dr. Tony Fauci and other health experts to save lives, utters gibberish like, “We can’t allow experts to make the big decisions. That is not their job. This is a democracy. It is our job.”
And over on right-wing talk radio — definitely created by zombies — we have the president’s Medal of Honor recipient Rush Limbaugh declaring, as the sick and death toll redoubles every day:
“We’re shutting down our country because of the — the cold virus, which is what coronaviruses are. This is COVID-19, the 19th version of the coronavirus. We’re shutting it — can you imagine our enemies watching this?”
Then you have Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell trotting out desperate right-wing talking points, with his zombotic melting face and necrotic soul, that the president was distracted from the pandemic by the Democrat impeachment while he was out golfing and holding rallies to incite his zombie mobs.
Finally, there’s the White House that … RAAAAUUUUGHHHH.
If you don’t think, for starters, Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway and former White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders are zombies, then you’re already one of them.
The zombies of course are targeting the president of the world’s greatest country who made it even greater and wants to keep it great. They heard from our president about our president’s big beautiful brain with its stable genius.
But the zombie overlords were given pause, and had several meetings to discuss, when our president, while touring the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention with the nation’s leading public health scientists, boasted, “People are really surprised I understand this stuff. Every one of these doctors said, ‘How do you know so much about this?’ Maybe I have a natural ability.”
At that point, the zombies decided to use our president’s brain as just a light starter, an amuse bouche if you will. Spoiler alert: Now he’s one of them. Which is the best explanation we have to explain his inexplicable “leadership” in this pandemic.
I’m completely joking here, of course.
There’s absolutely no zombie apocalypse happening. I’m just having some quarantining fun to get through this “Covid-19 pandemic.” 😂🤣😜😆😉😁 as zombies are wont to say.
But if you see hoards of brain-dead in MAGA red hats lurching after you screaming “lock her up,” “send her back,” “CNN is enemy of the people,” or “RAAAAUUUUGHHHH” like at Trump rallies, run away as fast as you can. For your lives and the sake of humanity. Or at least wear a homemade face mask.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer and obviously it’s fake news that he’s a zombie.