“Thoughts and prayers,” MAGAs

You don’t get to ruin America even more

Jeffrey Denny

To Trump diehards still defiantly clinging to their nasty sore loser historic disaster shipwreck of the worst president ever, like the crusty barnacles on the SS Edmund Fitzgerald, I feel sorry for you.

I mean that with all due respect, in a sarcastically caustic way, speaking Trumper language. I feel for you. My heart goes out. You are who you are.

You can’t help that as a Trump barnacle, you’re akin to an arthropod in the infraclass Cirripedia in the subphylum Crustacea. Be you. Be best. HuffPo says be whatever you want to be, damn the haters.

But like the barnacle-related crab and lobster that happen upon my dinner plate, roasted or boiled with plenty of butter and lemon with a snip of parsley, I feel tragically for the hardcore, hapless Trumpers:

1. I’m sorry you can’t handle Trump’s overwhelming, humiliating defeat and inability to handle it like the big man he told you he is.

2. I’m sorry you love a sore loser. It makes you sound like a sore loser. Nobody likes a sore loser. (Google “sore losers in sports.” Tragic.)

America especially hates a sore loser when he is the President of the United States and inspires the Senate Majority and the Republican Party to join in the sore losing, to the abject shame of decent Republicans.

3. I’m sorry that as a MAGA you take Trump’s loss personally when it’s really not personal at all.

You think Trump gives a f**k about you? If so, you poor dear. Funny how you never see a MAGA at Mar-a-Lago. Perhaps, hmmm, he might just be “leveraging” you for power and money? Sorry for the reveal.

4. I’m sorry you hate the majority of your fellow Americans who voted against Trump and feel the need to attack them. Just because of their temerity to vote against him because he made America much worse.

5. On a related note, I’m sorry you hatefully refer to Democrats as “DemoRats,” which confirms when you post that on Facebook that you’re slack-jawed stupid and lack the best words we learned in grade school English.

6. I’m sorry you’re ruining America by acting out whatever hates and resentments you harbor about your particular situation. It’s fun and easy to blame the libs, but like Trump you’re making America about you, personal, like the identity politics you hate on HuffPo.

7. I’m sorry you’re so suckered by Fox and the right-wing media and its bottom-feeding internet that is pandering to you for money, just like you think the professional mainstream media is doing to the libs.

8.Relatedly, I’m sorry you still prove P.T. Barnum was right that there’s a sucker born every minute to be taken for money.

9. I’m sorry you don’t know or care about our Constitutional rule of law and checks and balances and systems and processes and democratic norms. Or like your media does, you twist high-school civics into a greasy, sugary Auntie Anne’s pretzel to defend whatever Trump says and does.

10. I’m sorry you agree with, defend and/or salute whatever Trump says or does and his media salutes, like he’s your Fuhrer. Of course he’s not!

11. I’m sorry if you need to spread the smear that the duly-elected president-elect is disabled, demented, corrupt, a socialist tool and whatever other nonsense that pathetic loser hateful Trumpers spread on Trumpy social media. It makes you sound like a desperate loser.

12. I’m sorry that when it comes down to it, you seem to hate democracy unless it elects Trump and Republicans.

13. I’m sorry that I cannot send you real thoughts and prayers. I really tried to understand your mean, nasty, ugly behavior. That was stupid of me.

I don’t respect you anymore. I do not like you in your box. I do not like you with your Fox. I do not like you in a house or with a mouse. I do not like you here or there. I do not like you anywhere. So stay away from Washington.

14. I’m sorry: You are not really patriots. You are the opposite of patriots.

By loving Trump until his bitter end and bowing to whatever he says and does, you not only sound like a Russian troll, you also seem to hate America.

15. I’m sorry that as you wave the American flag in our faces, you spit on it every time you wave your Confederate flags, or accept those who do. I’m sorry you don’t care who you offend — you think it’s fun or funny. I’m sorry you lack basic decency and respect.

Sorry/not sorry if this piece sounds condescending.

But anyone still backing this duly defeated president — who might well stage a military coup to stay in office — deserves much worse than this attempt at bitter humor.

To be honest, I try to use humor to deal with my fear of MAGAs and what their goose-stepping to Trump is doing to the country I love.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.