To Russia with love
In 1956, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev declared, “Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!”
America laughed then and even more when the Soviet Union collapsed.
But Krushchev’s prediction is finally coming true, thanks to Russia’s useful idiots—identified by the old KGB and Merriam-Webster as “naive or credulous person[s] who can be manipulated or exploited to advance a cause or political agenda” — who back Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders.
As Krushchev smiles from wherever godless communists go after they die, Vladimir Putin evilly chortles like Rocky & Bullwinkle’s Boris Badenov — bah ha ha — over Bernie’s surge that ensures Trump’s glide to reelection.
A geek squad of Russian Zuckerburgs has achieved what thousands of Soviet ICBMs could not, and without the muss and fuss of global nuclear annihilation: The decline and fall of the American empire, Ronald Reagan’s “Shining City on the Hill,” the light of liberty and democracy for the world and all humanity that our Founders envisioned and Russia always hated.
Thanks to Trump regressives and Bernie progressives — finalists in “America’s Got Knuckleheads” — Russia’s three-dimensional chess game is winning on every front while we play third-grade checkers:
Owning not one but two Manchurian Candidates
Talk about a win-win. By putting big money on both Trump and Sanders, Russia can’t lose, since both candidates appear to be Russian tools.
Both Trump and Sanders dévotes get huffy about the implication, which suggests there’s at least a shred of truth, confirmed by their opposing conspiracy theorists who may be pathologically disturbed so we need to just pat them on the head and say bless your hearts.
Dividing to conquer
In the 1950s, the clinically paranoid U.S. Senator Joe “Red Scare” McCarthy warned about the Russians undermining America from within, with “a red under every bed.”
Today, there’s a Russian in every phone, laptop, Facebook “news” feed and deep web chat room fomenting a new American civil war that will only escalate up to Election Day and even more after, no matter who wins.
Imagine Russia’s glee if either,
a) Trump wins and the fake news people-enemy professional journalists, coastal elites, and decent, responsible Republicans go back to questioning, criticizing or being alarmed by the Greatest President Ever, angering the loud and proud minority of MAGAs; or,
b) Sanders wins and MAGA fake militia “patriots” mobilize, don their Dick’s Sporting Goods camo outfits, grab their military-grade assault arsenals, and courageously go crazy shooting unarmed liberals who they decide endanger America’s liberty and gun rights. Or they just fantasize online about doing so with the courage that having anonymous avatars girds.
Either way, Putin says, bah ha ha.
No, you’re not fever-dreaming from COVID-19: The former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics really is backing a socialist to reelect a capitalist, while formerly anti-Russian Republicans ignore, deny or welcome Russian espionage interference in American elections because it helps them suck up to the Russia-backed capitalist president and stay in office.
It’s confusing, but cue “The World Turned Upside Down,” the old English ballad that British General Cornwallis’s marching band supposedly played as he surrendered to American General Washington at Yorktown.
The Russians are hilariously diabolical. They see how Trump is undermining capitalism by giving the U.S. economy a sugar rush with tax breaks for the wealthy, boosting the U.S. debt and deficit (which Republicans used to decry), launching trade and tariff wars that hurt our farming and manufacturing, and closing the borders to workers we need to thrive. Bah ha ha.
Breaking the U.S.-European Alliance
Many American parents and grandparents fought and died alongside our Europeans allies to protect Western freedom. After WWII we formed NATO and spent incalculable blood and treasure standing fast together against the Soviet threat.
Today, the Russians must be drooling into their Beluga and borscht over Trump’s ignorant, sneering attacks on our NATO allies, insulting and demoralizing the allied troops that continue to stand together against Russian hegemony across the continent, region, Africa and Mideast states with oil we depend on.
Supporting either Trump or Sanders may well let the Russians run roughshod. Bah ha ha.
Destroying American intelligence
The old Mad magazine Spy vs Spy cartoon fight is over, as is the “Get Smart” battle between CONTROL and KAOS, “The Man from U.N.C.L.E.” raison d’être, and every action/adventure/sexy Cold War-era James Bond romp.
The Russians won when old Bernie liberals and new Trump MAGAs joined in common cause in hating the CIA and other national security agencies.
Both sides are now attacking patriotic Americans who swore on the Bible to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution and country, women and men who devote their underpaid talents and careers, and risk their lives, because they love America.
These are patriots who prove it — not with sneering online comments and paranoid blurts about the “deep state,” but by constant selfless actions for our safety, liberty and democracy.
So how do we beat the Russians now?
By bringing the Trump right and Bernie left together around their shared views, combined with America’s common-sensible middle.
Like how we all want jobs and a strong economy. Or how our healthcare system stinks and needs mending, not ending with Berniecare or Trump killing Obamacare without better Trumpcare. Or how we need solutions to the housing crisis and the plight of the homeless, which we agree is a tragedy.
The Russians love and fuel American division for their own global strategic purposes. Let’s remember — and not be useful idiots — as we head to the polls.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.