Vigilantism is exhausting
Not making my day
It’s hard to be a patriotic citizen these days.
Now that Republican states are outsourcing law enforcement to real Americans, my calendar is slammed with back-to-back Dirty Harrying.
Here’s my “typical” week:
Stalk protests to distinguish whether “my body my choice” means reproductive freedom or anti-vax freedom in order to bring justice to the former or celebrate the latter.
Do “Kindergarten Cop,” working undercover as a teacher to safeguard our innocent children from liberal American racist history, Covid masks and vaccinations, and antigun propaganda because guns, on a statistical basis, kill fewer children than masks and vaccines.
Check in with Q for whatever Q commands. It’s always something! Q be cray! Cray like a fox! Not like Fox News. Fox lawyers say Fox is just joking. Tucker Carlson is a Deep State tool! Q is real!
Stalk customer service at Walmart. Position with phone camera and wait for a complaining “Karen” to show up demanding to see the manager. When a “Karen” finally shows up and acts all “Karen,” video her. Post video on TikTok.
Or get more views with MAGAs and break the internet by videoing a “Karen” Socialist lib at Whole Foods politely inquiring why the Bagged Petite Shanghai Bok Choy is $4.09 a pound.
Pose as an FBI, Antifa, BLM or Deep State operative to fake infiltrate the patriot insurrection movement with a Simone Biles double-twist double reverse real false real flag.
This will confuse everyone but the smartest Americans with big beards who are carefully plotting their next historic attack on America to save America, and the real patriots who love them.
Patrol the neighborhood, Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, farmers’ markets, craft fairs, folk or jazz clubs, artisan bread bakeries, college campuses, and other lib meccas for anyone who might be masking incorrectly.
Give them stern haughty looks that should shame and possibly correct their misguided lack of concern for society if they’re wearing KN-95s instead of N-95s. Or argue on the local listserv about what’s proper and shame the improper.
Even God rested.
But ever the vigilant vigilante, I’ll attend Catholic, Protestant or — gasp — Unitarian services to gather intel on infidels and report to my Evangelical megachurch pastor so he can ask Trump and God to send them to everlasting hellfire.
Just like Jesus would want. Jesus is God’s Dirty Harry.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.