We’re Republicans!
We run America!
Jeffrey Denny
We’re Republicans! We care about freedom!
Ours, not yours!
We’re Republicans! Don’t tread on me! Live free or die!
We tread on you! Die if we hate you!
We’re Republicans! We believe in law and order!
For poor minorities! Not for His Excellency, President for Life, Most Potent Potentate, Supreme Leader, Generalissimo, El Jefe, El Commandante, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of All He Surveys!
We’re Republicans! We’re fiscally responsible!
Especially for tax and regulation breaks that enrich us! Even if they kill our budget, economy, climate, health and children!
We’re Republicans! We hate government!
When government does what other Americans want! But we love government when it makes other Americans do what we want!
We’re Republicans! We hate communism!
But our government should dictate reproduction like in communist China!
We’re Republicans! We’re pro-life!
Even for eggs! Except if they become babies! Then no liberal child care welfare from our hard-earned taxpayer dollars! God will take care of our babies! Just like He took care of His Only Son!
We’re Republicans! We believe in the Constitution!
The first two amendments! We have the freedom to insult and shoot anybody we want without recourse! The other 25 amendments are whatever!
We’re Republicans! We’re Constitutional originalists!
Like our Founders and Supreme Court picks, we’re mostly white, European and Christian! We want to make America greater like in 1789!
We’re Republicans! We’re anti-woke!
Our MAGA Security Service is watching you! So best lower your Pride, BLM, Ukraine, climate and standard US flags! Raise inverted US flags and “Appeal to Heaven” Pine Tree flags flown by J6 rioters and Supreme Court Justice spouses! If you don’t want any trouble!
Maybe also take down Israel and Palestine flags because Gaza confuses us! Anti-Semites are good people when they march on the University of Virginia! But bad people when they take over Columbia University!
We’re Republicans! We hate those violent liberal college protestors that trashed their campuses!
But we love our violent J6 patriots and political prisoners who trashed the U.S. Capitol!
We’re Republicans! We believe in gun rights!
We take a naughty thrill when Democrat cities suffer from gun deaths! While we demand gun freedom in Democrat cities!
We’re Republicans! We believe in closing our borders!
But it’s not racism! How dare you make this racial! You’re racist!
We’re definitely not captive to MAGA white nativists who enjoy being riled by their media that confirms their ugliest beliefs about immigrants who poison America with their lack of whiteness!
We’re Republicans! We’re rubber, you’re glue!
Whatabouting works with our gullible base! Whatever you say about His Excellency bounces off him and sticks to the Biden Crime Family!
We’re Republicans! We’re smarter than Democrats!
Democrats stupidly want to educate everyone! We love the uneducated and hold them back because we can fool, use and screw them, and then blame the Democrats for their situations! Like we’ve done since the Nixon Southern Strategy to leverage cracker racism to trigger and turn working whites against working blacks!
We’re Republicans! We believe in traditional American values!
Except for decency, honesty, law and order, sanctity of marriage, loving thy neighbor, WWJD, the Ten Commandments, and setting a good moral example for our society and children!
We’re Republicans! We believe in democracy!
Except when His Excellency loses! In which case the vote was rigged and stolen!
We’re Republicans! We believe voters rule!
But not if they’re Black voters gerrymandered by our white courts into white districts to erase their representation in Congress as if Jim Crow was still a thing! It’s not! We’re all equal now except for DEI!
We’re Republicans! DEI is racist!
White men have suffered discrimination long enough! If God wanted work places to look like America and treat everyone fairly and with respect so they serve our diverse nation and market better, He would have made them so!
We’re Republicans! We’re not like those liberal lemmings, we’re independent thinkers!
America’s #1 source of cable news and views, which in no way makes it the mainstream media, tells us so!
Our news and views are fair and balanced, opinion done right, real news, real honest opinion, standing up for what’s right, and the right voices at the right time! Whatever our cable channel declares in its latest branding slogans, we gobble it up like oil lobbyists snarfing crab cakes at our $1 million campaign fundraisers!
Our cable news only admitted to lying and paid millions to settle with crafty liberal lawyers, the price we pay to tell our truth to the American people!
We’re Republicans! We love America more than anyone!
Like Groucho said, these are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
