How about ‘Freedom Shots’?
Rebranding the Covid vax for stubborn resistors
Two out of five American adults still haven’t gotten even a single Covid-19 vaccine dose.
Some can’t. Some face information, transportation and historic trust barriers.
But many remain proudly, politically, stubbornly resistant because nobody’s gonna tell them what to do against their God-given and Constitutional liberty rights.
Forget medical facts, debunking of fears and their mongers, myths and misinformation, tragic stories of regret, cajoling, logic, common sense, beseeching by loved ones, continuing death tolls or employer or venue mandates.
Never mind guilting about how they’re disrupting our lives, stressing care givers, taking hospital beds from vaxxed patients, sickening and killing fellow Americans, and keeping the pandemic and restrictions they hate going.
The bullheaded unvaxxed are immune to reason like the vaxxed become immune to Covid. Facts bounce off them like bullets from Superman. The more we try, the more they stomp their feet, fold their arms and refuse. Like when parents ask defiant toddlers not to run in the street.
So what the hell, let’s try something new: Rebrand the vaccines.
The current branding isn’t helping.
“Hey everybody — who wants a shot of Pfizer-BioNTech? It has that mRNA everyone is excited about! The whole internet is cheering for a single-stranded RNA molecule that is complementary to one of the DNA strands of a gene!
“No, of course mRNA doesn’t alter your DNA! That’s kooky talk!”
Naming the virus “Covid-19” certainly didn’t help, starting with the idiotic coronavirus/Corona beer japes.
Bubonic Plague, aka, Black Death — now there’s some awesome pandemic branding.
Smallpox — perfect literal name; it was obvious when people were infected and deadly contagious due to the small pox on their faces. The quarantine, distance and vaccine mandates were a cinch.
Scrofula — this form of tuberculosis caused a telltale swelling of the neck, and just sounds icky. “Get away from me with your rude annoying scrofula!” teens would huff, and adults complied because teens have ruled the world since Cleopatra. Scrofula also is Latin for brood sow. Nobody would dream of posting a scrofulous selfie unless “they” were feverishly addled from scrofula.
Spanish Flu — if this naming didn’t win the World Branding Award by the World Branding Forum (a real thing), it would be the worst international crime against humanity since cultural misappropriation.
As a matter of fact, the 1918 global pandemic, the last best before Covid, was named “Spanish Flu” not to be racist, but because it caused deadly trots from over-enjoying tapa, especially patatas bravas. The Spanish pandemic ended only when renowned Spanish wine scientist, Dr. Carlo Rossi, developed the Sangria vaccine.
Not to have fun with pandemics and their cures, but what the Covid vaccines need are clever brand names that appeal to their toughest market segment.
Here are just 25 ideas ideated by my marketing consultants:
1. Freedom Shots®
2. Patriot Shots®
3. Jesus Shots®
4. Liberty Needles®
5. Vaccinations of Valor®
6. Jabs of Justice®
7. First Amendment Right To Offend People Inoculation Against Being “Canceled” Or A Punch In The Face®
8. Second Amendment Right To Bear Arms Without Permit To Shoot First Ask Questions Later Shots®
9. Thoughts and Prayers Shots When Kids Get Slaughtered Because Of Your Gun Rights®
10. Trumpcine (the real President’s typically brilliant branding idea, trademark pending)
11. Handmaid’s Tale Shots.®
12. Preventing Non-Whites from Voting Shots®
13. Vaccinating America Against Non-White Immigrants®
14. Making America Even Greater And Greater And Greater Again Shots®
15. Triple Maximum Wild Platinum 2000 Mega Max Strength Super Male Vitality Endowment Enlarging Enhancement Shots®
16. Co-Vi-Agra®, also brought to you by Pfizer
17. Alex Jones InfoWars Life® Dietary Supplement Anti-Liberal Shots®
18. Doritos Cool Ranch Dinamita Chili Limon Jacked Flamas Ranch-Dipped Jabz®
19. I Can’t Believe Covid Shots Are Actually OK®
20. I Can’t Believe Shots Are Better Than Clinging To Life On A Ventilator Then Dying Needlessly®
21. A Beer And A Shot On The House®
22. Poke the Woke®
23. Take One For The Gipper®
24. Take A Shot At AOC, The Squad, And The Liberal Socialists®
25. Revolutionary Patriot Shot Heard ‘Round the World Like At Lexington and Concord!®
And our best ideation, Get The Shot That Fox Gets!®
Feel free to ideate anything better.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.