What to do when you do something bad
Ten tips to make yourself unimpeachable
Jeffrey Denny
So, I secretly sold the 1992 Toyota family minivan my wife needed to take our kids to school, sports activities and shopping for food at the shelter to feed them.
I used the $700 in proceeds to buy my fool-around administrative assistant a Zales Diamond Accent Sideways Cross Necklace in Sterling Silver® because she loves Jesus.
My wife found out and confronted me.
“What are you doing?” she asked in an aggressive way that disrespected my personal agency and triggered shame. “Are you giving her expensive jewelry to get sex?” As if my mistress relationship was just a quid pro quo, i.e., bribery.
“No! How dare you?!” I declared in high dudgeon while saying to myself, “yes I said yes I did yes.”
But I was ready to defend myself, thanks to the revolutionary new Ten-Step Presidential Impeachment Defense Strategy™. Perhaps it could help other guys accused of stuff they say guys always do and actually often do:
1. Deny reality.
Fire up your gaslight. The affair never happened. Fake news. Hoax. Tell your wife she’s a deranged hater liberal on a lynching witch hunt to overturn the results of your wedding vows.
2. Flip the script.
Tell the wife while the affair never happened, and there’s proof you did everything to cover it up, it was perfect.
3. Change reality.
When she hands you a stack of printouts of your naughty texts and pix, Sharpie out the worst stuff and hand it back. Voila! Never happened.
4. Be flexible.
If the evidence mounts that you cheated in a way most foul, change your strategy from defend to attack.
Attack the witnesses (her friends and family, named or anonymous). Attack the process (she blindsided you with accusations without a chance to refute and acted as judge and jury in a secret Soviet court, not fair!). Attack the media (your wife’s Facebook and gossipy book/wine club friends who always found you icky anyway).
Attack everyone who’s attacking you. As champion teams know, you need a strong offense and a strong defense.
5. Obstruct.
Refuse to answer wife’s nosy impertinent questions.
It’s none of her business if, while she was away in Minnesota with the children visiting her sick mother, you and mistress tore up the marriage bed. Or that your mistress wore your wife’s sexiest lingerie, used her toothbrush, and changed the Febreze house scent pods from the wife’s preferred crisp Fresh-Pressed Apple to mistress’s favorite floral Bora Bora Waters.
6. Declare it’s no big deal.
Ok, you had the affair. Blah blah blah.
Meanwhile, dozens of first-hand witnesses outraged by your violation of the oath of marriage are lining up, thrilled to testify against you and singing like Tweety Bird:
House Intelligence Committee Member Jim Jordan: “Mr. or Ms. Bird, whatever you are, in your statement, you said, and I quote, “I tawt I taw a puddy tat.” But an article in the Washington Free Beacon, which I submit for the record, says this is a liberal deep state conspiracy lie. So let me ask, did you really tee a puddy tat? And remember, you’re under oath.”
Tweety Bird: “I did! I did taw a puddy tat!”
What you did might be wrong, but it’s not worth making a federal case about it. Besides, evangelical Christians, 25 percent of America and all GOP Congressmen afraid of your friends forgive and love the President of the United States even though he does much worse stuff. Why can’t your wife?
At least you didn’t get with a porn star and pay her hush money to rig an election! You could never do that. Largely because no self-respecting porn star would get with you for any amount of money. Even porn stars have standards, limits and boundaries, you found out.
7. Turn the tables.
Push the nuclear what-about button. It’ll apocalypse the heck out of your betrayed spouse. Just like saying “What about Hillary?” and “What about the horrible socialist liberal Democrats and mainstream media?” apocalypses the elite/stupid Trump critics into stunned silence so you won the debate.
For instance, ask the betrayed wife, “What about the time you said the produce guy at the Kroger had perfectly ripe avocados? Isn’t that emotional cheating?” Trust me, she’ll be unable to answer. Winning!
8. Get legal.
President Clinton tried to wriggle from his complex relationship issue by saying, “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”
But he’s a Yale lawyer and you’re … not.
So strip the family savings to hire the best, scorched-earth lawyers before your wife can. If you already spent the family savings on your affair, try the competitively priced team at Lawyers Without Morals, LLP, featured on highway billboards wherever people are getting sick and screwed. The Hon. Rudy Giuliani, Esq., is waiting for your call.
9. Rally your base.
Friends and family love and support you no matter what, right? Your most knuckle-headed guy friends and family members — especially the misogynists who hate their wives and women generally — will cheer and envy your bad behavior.
“Dude!” they’ll say with respect bordering on reverence, “You rock!” They’ll wish they had the stones to be bad like you, but can’t because of their shred of basic human morals and values. So they egg you on for vicarious thrills.
10. Ask “What Would POTUS Do?”
We’re fortunate the current President of the United States is the best ever, beating even Millard Fillmore famed for being the last Whig in the White House and installing the first bathtub at 1600 Penn.
Moreover, the current president is a powerful stable sexy genius billionaire who’s always right and never wrong, and like a star can do anything he wants. Even grab non-wife women.
The president is a man of the people. You’re definitely people. Ergo, you can do whatever the president does, in spite of what your wife’s lawyers say to ruin your life even more than you did. Good luck!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
