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Artist’s re-creation of the legendary Stufetta del Bibbiena within the Vatican Palace/Lesley Thelander

Where does the Pope ‘go’?

You have your facts and I have mine

Jeffrey Denny

A friend loves Trump. I’m a middling Democrat, more Biden than Sanders/Warren, and tilting Bloomberg.

My friend and I usually set aside our political differences and get along pretty well.

One day I texted, “Grab beers later?” He replied, “Does the Pope [poop emoji] in the woods?”

Even as a long-lapsed Catholic, I found his response not just clichéd but disrespectful to the Pontiff. I prefer, “Is a bear Catholic?”

I lectured him that the Vatican — especially the Papal apartments — certainly must have commodes by now. Probably comfortable ones for the Pope with cushioned seats, auto-flushing and maybe Bluetooth. The Pope might “go” in the woods only when out camping with his archbishops, I said.

I was merely pointing out what I thought were obvious and objective facts. But my Trumpy friend felt attacked. Things got political quickly.

First he sent me a link, RealPopeTruth.com, offering “Papal Secrets They Don’t Want You To Know.” It “proves” the Roman Catholic Church is complicit with the Deep State Globalist Conspiracy to make the Pope seem infallible. Like he doesn’t even defecate like real people in the flyover states.

The Catholic Church’s secret goal with this lie is to indoctrinate millions of new followers — including the growing population of Hispanic immigrant hoards — to toss $3 dollars in every Mass basket, not just on Sunday but every day. As if the Catholic Industrial Complex isn’t already rich enough making quadrillions of lira selling rosary beads, holy water, communion wafers, and guilt.

This is the same Catholic secret cabal that “elected” John F. Kennedy over Richard Nixon, put up Catholics Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum and Bobby Jindal in 2016 to beat Trump, and is now backing Catholic Joe Biden to beat Trump.

There was something fishy about this RealPopeTruth.com. After some deep research using Google, I discovered that the site is funded by the Koch Brothers, the Lakewood evangelical megachurch in Houston and a pro-Trump super PAC.

To counter this fake news with real facts, I sent my friend a link, HistoryOfPapalDefecation.com.

This widely trusted site offers peer-reviewed research by real PhD historians that challenges peer-reviewed research by other real PhD historians, argued powerfully in footnotes.

These Papal alimentary experts — who’ve delved for decades into musty archives, suffered mold allergies, and pondered existential questions starting with, “Is this why I spent 20 years and $100,000 for my PhD to make Amazon fulfillment center wages?” — set the record straight.

For example, the Pope is completely human — like Black Sabbath’s Ozzy Osborne, he doesn’t like to be grabbed by fans without borders — and, as such, fallible. So, it’s fair to assume the Pope defecates like the vast majority of humanity does, i.e., not in the woods. Also, the Vatican has had toilets at least since Pius IX (1846–78).

To which my friend responded, “Typical stupid liberal BS by so-called ‘experts’. Just because they have a lot of education, it doesn’t mean they’re smart.”

He sent a link, NotRussiansMessingWithAmericaWhatsoever.com, featuring non-mainstream media journalists exposing the truth about how Democrats love terrorists and hate America. The website reports that while Biden identifies as Catholic to get the Papist and illegal immigrant vote, he was excommunicated by the Catholic Church because he wants to kill babies, even toddlers, like most liberals do.

“’Excommunicated’”?! I huffed. “No, my friend. Check your facts.” I sent a link to a YouTube video showing how a South Carolina pastor denied Biden communion because the former VP doesn’t believe government should dictate women’s reproductive choices.

“Just like you want to keep government off our backs,” I said, adding, “Learn the difference between ‘excommunicated’ and ‘not receiving communion’ if you want to have a serious discussion about the Pope, my friend.”

He went nuclear. He sent a link to a Fox News article saying liberal criticism of anti-LGBTQ positions is ‘anti-Catholic bigotry.’”

“What?” I asked.

“What what?” he asked.

At that point our argument got too complicated. So over our beers we laughed together about how Bernie and the so-called “progressives” are guaranteeing Trump’s reelection.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer

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