Year of the Cat
And the MAGA dogs
Jeffrey Denny
Now the internet is saying the late ’80s TV sitcom puppet character “ALF” is real.
We recall he was an “Alien Life Form” — essentially an immigrant — that tried to eat cats, a delicacy on his home planet of Melmac.
Flash forward, no wonder Ohio Haitian immigrants are eating cats. They learned everything about America from bootleg DVDs of ALF. They’re just trying to assimilate.
But Haitians don’t eat just any cats. They fancy the Taylor Swift-brand plump, juicy, melt-in-your-mouth Ohio Kobe cats raised by childless ladies and prepared in various traditional Haitian recipes like kremas, griot and bouyon. (The cat ladies are childless due to Democrat after-birth abortion.)
We know Haitians enjoy unlimited buffets of cats because Donald Trump said so because someone’s neighbor’s daughter’s friend’s mangy cousin posted it on “internet personality” Hawk Tuah Girl’s Instagram. Ms. Tuah is now doing Trump’s policy briefings and debate prep.
We also know why Republicans are picking on cats.
They’re dog people while Democrats are cat people. (RFK Jr. people are squirrelly.)
That’s why America is fighting like cats and dogs.
Identifying as dog people also explains why MAGA Republicans howl at the moon, crap all over, dig through garbage and eat cat poo right out of the box while Democrats are very demure, very mindful.
For instance, Democrats don’t bark and snap at legal, hardworking, taxpaying, American Dream-seeking Haitian immigrants who revived the dying city of Springfield, Ohio.
The Republican front-runners — the best the party can get — doggedly claim immigrants like the Haitians steal jobs from Americans.
Never mind that in fact, as the town’s economic development plan attracted new companies and decent jobs, employers couldn’t find enough locals to fill them or people willing to relocate for work. The Haitians gladly did. Employers love them. They work hard and even seek extra shifts. One boss said he wished he had 100 more.
As The New York Times reported,
They are assembling car engines at Honda, running vegetable-packing machines at Dole and loading boxes at distribution centers. They are paying taxes on their wages and spending money at Walmart. On Sundays they gather at churches for boisterous, joyful services in Haitian Creole.
Also,
[O]n many streets, [their] newly renovated homes are giving blighted neighborhoods a face lift. No longer delinquent on property tax, [the homes] pump revenue into Springfield’s coffers. … Landlords have withdrawn about 200 properties from a federal housing-voucher program for low-income families ….
Sure, the influx has stressed city services like MAGA Covid denial and Rustbelt pathologies have. But the Haitians represent classic hardworking, bootstrapping, free-enterprising, American Dream stuff that Republicans bay about. While millions of MAGAs are on the taxpayer dole.
We shake our heads like a Doberman with an ear infection that a former U.S. president seeking reelection actually declared, on national TV, such a ridiculous debunked lie and old xenophobic trope that inferior foreign cultures eat pets. We know he’s just tossing a bone to his salivating MAGAs to dog-wag the election.
But why are MAGAs gobbling and barfing whatever’s on the street, in the yard or in the garbage — even their own vomit — about the Haitian immigrants?
Do they believe it? Or want to believe it?
Or is it a political gaffe — accidentally saying what they really mean?
In this case, that their immigration issue all along wasn’t just about “the illegals” or the border crisis? Could it be about … bigotry? Since today’s Haitian immigrants are doing exactly the same thing German, Italian, Irish, Polish and other MAGA immigrant forbears did that we’re so proud of?
Many people are allergic to cats. I’m highly allergic to MAGA dogs who attack immigrants coming here for a better life. Not just because it’s rabid, vicious racism. Also because at age 12, my mother and her family came here, destitute, escaping destruction, poverty and malnutrition, from war-torn Europe. And her son, me, got to go to college and enjoy a great life.
Or maybe my heart should go out to MAGAs. Perhaps they’re just suffering from a case of what their rock hero Ted Nugent called “Cat Scratch Fever.” (“You know you got it when you’re going insane.”)
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
