You can’t handle the Trump!
Penultimate scene, The People of the State of New York v. Donald J. Trump
Jeffrey Denny, with apologies to Aaron Sorkin
Interior, courtroom, day:
Former U.S. president Donald Trump takes the stand. Senior trial counsel for the prosecution, Joshua Steinglass, has caught him in a web of lies related to the 34 criminal counts he faces stemming from his hush money payoffs to Stephanie Clifford, aka, Stormy Daniels.
STEINGLASS: Mr. President, I have just one more question before we play back more incriminating evidence. If your fixer, Mr. Cohen, is not to be trusted, then why did you trust him with the critically important job to save your election by paying off Ms. Clifford for her silence?
TRUMP: I trusted Cohen because he lies for me.
STEINGLASS: But how can you trust someone who’s a liar?
TRUMP: Sometimes men take matters into their own hands.
STEINGLASS: No sir. You made it clear just a moment ago that Mr. Cohen never takes matters into his own hands. He follows your orders or else, right?
TRUMP [feeling trapped]: You little bastard.
STEINGLASS: I’d like an answer to the question. If you trusted Mr. Cohen to pay off Ms. Clifford, and he did as you so ordered, then why do you say he can’t trusted? Mr. President?
[TRUMP says nothing]
STEINGLASS [taking a chance, thundering]: You ordered Mr. Cohen to pay off Ms. Clifford, didn’t you? To keep her from telling the truth about your sexual encounter with a porn star so you could win the election. You broke campaign finance law and illegally doctored business records to cover it up. And when it went bad, you cut the guy loose. I’ll ask for the fourth time: You ordered …
TRUMP: You want answers?
STEINGLASS: I think I’m entitled to them.
TRUMP: You want answers?!
STEINGLASS: I want the truth!
TRUMP: You can’t handle the truth!
Son, we live in a world that has women. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women — I just start kissing them, it’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the [nether regions].
Some are horseface, crazy, low-IQ and not your type in any way, shape or form. They need to be hushed up. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Hoffinger? [Referring to Susan Hoffinger, chief of the DA’s investigations division.]
I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Stormy and you curse the greatest president America has ever seen. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That paying off Stormy, while cheap for a billionaire, probably saved my election. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saved this country.
You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me in that White House. You need me there.
I use words like fake, stolen election, and retribution. I use these words as the backbone to a life spent as the most honest person in the world. You use them as a punchline.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very greatness I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I’d prefer you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pack up your Yale law degree and go back to your criminal thug animal Alvin Bragg. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to.
STEINGLASS [pressing]: Did you pay off Ms. Clifford and falsify business records to save your election?
TRUMP: I did the job I needed to do.
STEINGLASS: Did you pay off Ms. Clifford and cook the books for political power?
TRUMP: You’re goddamn right I did!
STEINGLASS: Please the court, I suggest the jury be dismissed so that we can move to sentencing.
TRUMP: What the hell’s going on? I did my job. I’d do it again. I’m getting on my jet and going back to Mar-a-Lago.
[Bailiff moves to handcuff Trump and escort him to a holding cell near the courtroom. He expresses outrage.]
I’m being convicted for a crime? That’s what’s happening? This is funny. This is … [Trump lunges at Steinglass] I’m gonna tear your eyes right outta your head and piss in your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong billionaire!
I saved lives by being elected and building that wall and the greatest economy anyone’s ever seen in the history of America. That sleepy Biden is a weak link. I saved lives, you hear me?
You fuckin’ people. You have no idea how to make America even greater again. All you did was weaken a country, Steinglass. That’s all you did. You put people in danger from dirty immigrant animals poisoning the blood of our country. Sweet dreams, loser.
STEINGLASS: Don’t call me loser. I’m a New York Assistant District Attorney and senior trial counsel. And you’re going to jail, you sonofabitch.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
